A Top 10 Look at the New Year

Never, ever have I made a New Year's resolution and kept it. I finally stopped making them a few years ago and I actually felt better about not failing miserably by February.

This year is MY nova initia. Translation from Latin is new beginnings. It is my year of discovering who I really am and leaving the past where it belongs. This IS my New Year's resolution. A new beginning.

I have been fairly open about my struggles with bulimia, infertility, postpartum, domestic abuse and the life of a divorced, single mom. Through all these obstacles, I have fought to face my inner demons and heal through the saving grace of Jesus. I have researched and read until I am exhausted at times just trying to find myself in the seasons of my life.

I have been cramming some inspirational reading into my winter break. It recharges my outlook on life and changes my perspective. It reminds me of a movie I love "Eat, Pray, Love". It's about enjoying life's little pleasures in moderation, praying for forgiveness and healing and ultimately learning how to love and be loved.

For all of you ladies (or men) looking to make a list of New Year's resolutions, why don't you look at what you already have and simply improve on it? Moderation, prayer and love.

Here are a list of the top 10 things I would like improve on in 2016:

1. Health- I have to learn that no amount of exercise will overcome bad eating habits. I need to learn to balance the two. Healthy eating habits that fuel my body and exercise that helps me release all of that negative energy. Your body really is a temple.
2. Beauty- when someone tells you that you are beautiful or compliments you, believe them. Yes, this is one of my hardest obstacles, I promise to work on this.
3. Apologies- you simply don't always need to be sorry. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to be sad, It's okay to be happy. Don't apologize for being you or the feelings you have. They belong to you and no one else. 
4. Acceptance- not everyone will like you or understand you. That's okay. You are not out to please everyone on the earth. Just stay true to yourself but ultimately stay true to God. Yes, you will make mistakes, you will own your choices and you will accept forgiveness if you ask for it.
5. Respect- don't look for the respect of others if you don't respect yourself first. If you don't respect yourself, you do not set the standard of how you expect to be treated. Respect others just as you expect to be respected.
6. Priorities- you make time for the things and people you want. I make time every day for scripture. It's my priority. Also if you are not a priority in someones life, it's time to reevaluate. My church, family and friends know they will always have me in their corner.
7. Relationships- it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Be with the people who make you happy. Period.
8. Body image- it's okay to not be magazine perfect. Airbrushing and enhancing have made women have body envy. Yes, I would like to look better. I also have stretch marks but there was a time in my life when I prayed to be a mom with stretch marks. I earned them and will keep them like a badge of honor.
9. Finances- take charge. I mean learn to manage them correctly. Don't dig a grave of debt trying to keep up and definitely don't go into debt because of the poor credit of your spouse or significant other. This is YOUR credit and/or debt.
10. Confidence- it's time to learn to display confidence. Don't second guess decisions, go with your instinct. Don't cower down, stand tall. Look at yourself the way God sees you. A remarkable person that is loved.

I encourage you to make your own top 10 list. Enhance the woman (or man) that you are and learn a little more about yourself in 2016.

And yes, for all those wondering, I got my first (and only) tattoo. It's on my wrist where I can always be reminded of where I have been and where I am going. Reconciling the past and accepting the future. Nova Initia~New Beginnings.

What Is A Normal Christmas?

I have debated in my mind how I go about writing this post. After much consideration and many prayers, I just came to the conclusion...just say it.

To say the past year has been difficult would be an understatement. I know that there are millions of people out there who are far worse off than I am but for me, this has been the hardest 14 months of my adult life.

I got a divorce and my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

This is not a normal occurrence in my world. At times the life has been sucked right out of me.

The path my life has taken may not be what I planned but I know and I have faith that I will end up where I need to be. This is a bumpy, pot holed filled, curvy, gravel road that will one day end up being smooth pavement.

There is nothing easy about divorce. It sucks. There are emotions that you never imagine until you face the facts and wake up every day to deal with a new set of choices. There are choices that impact you, your family and friends. It was the most terrifying time because my kids were always first on my mind and the choices are not always clear.

My girls and their well being are always the first thing I consider. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be and do my best to set a good example. A Christian single mom who wants nothing more than for these girls to follow Jesus.

I wish I could say that our everyday life is perfect but it's not. I'm a single mom raising two strong willed teenage daughters. We are constantly compromising and learning how to navigate our new life.

Yes, I am human so I stumble and occasionally fall. When I fall there is not other choice but to get back up and try again.

But you know what? I kept going. And going. And going. And going.

I fell hard the day my mom called to say she had inflammatory breast cancer. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was in the middle of my firestorm of life and had to quickly shift gears. How could I juggle all of these life changing events?

I felt bruised, scraped and broken. How do I get up now Lord?

The hardest thing was not being able to fix her. Heck, I couldn't fix my own broken marriage so how was I going to handle this? My dad was always the fixer and since he passed, we have just sort of cruised along. Now it was time to sink or swim and sinking was not an option!

I watched her hair begin to fall out after chemo began. One day she decided she had enough and took out a set of clippers and shaved her hair off.

The day she began to comment about the girls hair being so beautiful, I knew she longed to have her hair back. She donned a wig every day but I'm certain, as a woman, she longs to be able to shampoo and style her own hair.

Then came the surgery and complications. The day I saw her incision, things became very real. Cancer had become our enemy and she was in for a fight.

I cannot imagine all of the emotions that she must go through every day. I know what I experience every day but I am not the one facing cancer. I'm angry, she's angry. I'm frustrated, she's frustrated. My heart breaks for her and I know her heart breaks for me.

My mom is a worry wart but she is also the one of the toughest women I know. She grew up on a farm where hard work was not a choice, it was a way of living. She ran a hay baler and could probably work circles around me if it wasn't for this disease making her weak. As a teenager, I know she took me down in a wrestling move a time or two just to put me in my place.

Under all of this tough exterior you will find the heart of kindness and compassion. It is very evident that she is loved. The family and friends who have helped and prayed for us through the last year can never be thanked enough. If it weren't for them, I don't know how we would have made this journey.

When I look at the legacy that I am passing down to my girls, I pray that they know that whatever the future holds, they have been raised by strong women. That they can face and conquer whatever life brings and the power of prayer is what gets us through. No matter how many times life knocks you down, you don't quit. You smile at the people that encourage you and most of all you smile at the haters.

Yes, there are some days when I have so much on my mind that I feel like I'm actually losing my mind. Unless you have walked a mile in someone's shoes, save the judgment. Treat everyone with kindness and forgive often.

This is not my normal life but it is real and I am very thankful for those who have stuck by my side and supported me during the waves of emotions. Then add my beautiful girls who make me crazy and complete. They all have made me laugh on days when I just wanted to stay in bed and avoid life.

So this Christmas is very different from any of the others. It is not our normal holiday season. We are survivors celebrating in a different season of life. This is a Christmas to look at life a little differently and appreciate what the birth of a baby in Bethlehem meant for all of us.

Luke 2: 10-11
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord"

I am so thankful for all you readers because you inspire me every day to be a better person. You will never know how much your encouragement means to me.

May you all have a blessed Christmas!

Holidays Filled With Holes and Hope

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas will remain my favorite season. It's the lights that brighten the dead of late fall and early winter.

To me, there is nothing more magical than watching the reflection of Christmas lights in the eyes of children. From the time they are babies, you could look at their eyes and see the magic that the twinkling of lights create.

Last winter, my youngest daughter wanted to walk through a park filled with lights. As we strolled through the path adorned with festive Christmas lights, I noticed all the families taking in the sights. To see and hear the excitement in the little voices that ran from display to display was priceless. I took the time to really soak in that spirit of Christmas.

In this month filled with Thanksgiving, I think about those cherished memories from my childhood.

I remember those holidays spent in both my grandparents tiny homes and how it filled every possible space with family and friends. The laughter and their memories being shared were things I took for granted at the time. Now as I look back, they are cherished memories of a family that I am blessed to be a part of.

The hole left by the passing of my grandparents and my dad have made me truly appreciate the family that I have remaining.

I have a mom battling cancer, aunts and uncles facing health issues and many relatives scattered between states. Some people struggle with the loss of jobs, loved ones, homes, relationships and some simply lose faith. There are holes that are left.

There was a time when I struggled to have faith after the loss of two pregnancies. Now I can be very thankful that I was blessed with two beautiful daughters.

Without the holes, we fail to see the hope. The hope that comes from the new.

New babies, new friends, new jobs, new homes, new beginnings.

You see, with a hole there is a hollow space. This space will need to be filled.

That is why we must cling to hope. We hope that things will turn out for the best. We believe and we trust that the holes will be filled.

A few days ago I heard a song that was once a favorite of my oldest daughter. She danced and twirled around every time it would play on the radio. Often, she would ask me to dance with her and as I held her and we twirled around, she seemed so peaceful with the words and melody of the song. During this time, I gazed at this beautiful child that calls me "Mom" and the hope I thought was lost was now restored.

I Hope You Dance

By Lee Ann Womack

 

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

 

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

 

My friends, may your holidays holes be filled with hope, peace, grace, kindness and love.

The Un-Comfort Zone

Isaiah 30:21
If you stray to the right or to the left, you will hear a word that comes from behind you: "This is the way, walk in it."

Recently at a church meeting, we were given the task of discussing certain visions and needs in our church.

Working in a small group, I made a startling discovery about myself and my own comfort zone.

Normal is comfortable to me. I like to blend into the scenery rather than being seen. Being ordinary, living an ordinary life is what is comfortable to me.

I like to sit in the same spot at church. I have the same routine every Sunday. We arrive a little early, I help get the coffee nook running. I speak the few people who stop by to make their cup of coffee or to others as I take my spot toward the back of the sanctuary.

There are people I see almost every Sunday morning. People I am familiar with and who make me comfortable in our beautiful building that is filled with history.

Then it's time to step out of my comfort zone. When the Pastor says "Let's take a few minutes and greet your neighbor".

I stand up and cannot move. It's not that I'm paralyzed with fear but I do not feel comfortable stepping out to intentionally greet others.

Why is it so hard for me to step out of my comfort zone?

I occasionally help with our Saturday night community service that is held in the building adjacent to our sanctuary.

There are people from other churches that attend and I find myself speaking to them as we serve their meal. We form a line for communion and we rest our hands on the person in front and pray for them.

So why is it so hard for me to leave my pew?

I will admit that I do struggle with meeting new people. There is rise that creeps up my spine and makes me very nervous. Most people would never suspect it because I give a smile but inside I am a bowl of jello.

The fear of rejection and my lack of trust is what I believe keep me in my comfort zone. I may not get the response I expect or I may say the wrong thing and become tongue tied. That fear keeps me in my zone of what is comfortable for me.

How do I overcome these things?

I have to rely on the advice a classmate gave me a few months ago.

My friend Dot and I were talking about how I felt I always let the wrong people into my life and I asked her why I make such bad choices. She looked at me and said "Kim, you're going to have to learn to close your heart to some people. God will let you know which ones to let in."

Why didn't I ever think of that? It was because I needed that friend to tell me what I needed to hear.

She wasn't saying I needed to put up a wall but I needed to be still and let the Holy Spirit be my guide.

So, I am working on greeting people, making new friends and really listening to those whispers and guidance that only God will provide.

With practice, I will eventually learn to be comfortable in the un-comfort zone.

My soul feels a greater peace now knowing that I am a becoming the woman God created me to be.

What drives you out of your comfort zone? Can you you overcome those feelings to take a step out of your comfort zone?

The Invisible Act of Grace

Do you ever feel as though you are invisible? Like what you have to say or how you feel are insignificant? Like you are nothing?

I have been there. I found myself being a third party of a conversation but as harsh words were exchanged, I wondered "Why am I here?"

It was if they were having the conversation and I was merely there for entertainment purposes. When I spoke, it was not acknowledged. I was the third wheel.

I stood there feeling completely insecure and insignificant. It was painful.

Jesus doesn't see us that way. He sees us as worthy children who are valued. He listens to what we have to say even when we may think He is too busy to listen.

During those times when you feel undervalued, always remember that with God you are priceless.

How I am feeling is not who I am. God sees my hurt.

You are important and what you have to say is important.

It is a constant reminder that the enemy works overtime producing those feelings that make us feel less than zero. When these thoughts and feelings start to bubble, this is when I say "Jesus, be my shield". It may be said several times during the day until that shield is fulling engaged and my mind is set back where it belongs.

Going through the wilderness may seem like a long, exhausting journey. For some the wilderness lasts for many seasons and others may find their journey only lasts a little while. God will not keep you in the wilderness.

When that journey takes you to a place where you feel invisible and insignificant, always remember the hope that God's word gives us:

1 Peter 1:6
You now rejoice in this hope, even if it is necessary for you to be distressed for a short time by various trials

The way we feel, our emotions, do not give us a free pass to treat others with the same hurt we may be feeling. This is the time when we have to dig deep and do the opposite of how we feel in that moment of hurt.

Jesus did not leave me in the wilderness. He was with me and stayed with me as a friend does.

I prayed constantly for this issue to be resolved, for eyes to be opened and any selfish motives be removed. I prayed to forgive them. It burned in my heart and in my mind for weeks.

The day finally came when I had my own selfish thoughts revealed.

I was so angry over this incident that one morning as I was running I had a horrible thought. I said to myself "I would just like to jab a nail in her tire and teach her a lesson. I want her to experience some type of distress". I knew my thoughts were not aligned with God's word but I could justify it because I carried this anger and hurt.

Two hours later, God gave me my wake up call. My low tire light came on. Yep! I received what I had wished on someone else like a boomerang.

I was the one who received the nail and that is when I knew I had to change my prayers over this matter.

At that moment, my prayer for them became filled with blessings. I needed to let go of my own selfish hurt and choose to turn it over to the Lord.

Several months after this encounter that left me feeling like nothing, I was surprised when I received an apology 4 days from the time I decided to change the way I was praying.

In my heart, I knew I was carrying bitterness, anger and hurt feelings. I shed many tears and asked God to help me get through this time.

I will not forget the incident but through the act of grace, I accepted the apology.

Friends, always remember that we have to be patient. God does not leave you in the dark places to suffer, He takes you there to make you grow.

I'm Not That Person

As  a little girl, I would sit and daydream about my future. I drew countless pictures of my dream house, inside and out. I planned my wedding by listing my bridesmaids based on who ranked as my favorite friends.

How simple life was back then. The dreams. The future. The innocence.

Year after passing year, those dreams changed. A sort of reality took its place.

I still remained a dreamer but those dreams began to take a different shape. They began to mature and become real.

My first job.

My first car.

My first love.

My first broken heart.

My house plans sit on a shelf collecting dust.

All of the swirling dreams of a little girl began to shift to worries of a young woman. The place is set where fantasy collides with reality.

So, how do we as grown ups keep dreams alive?

It begins with searching your heart. What dream has God placed within you? Are you pursuing your dreams?

I know for me, keeping the dream alive takes a great amount of stillness and soul searching not to mention the part where I have to demonstrate self control and give up my own selfish thoughts. It is so hard to dive deep into yourself and become totally honest.

What is even harder is to be patient and not try to control the pace. It makes me want to clinch my fists and scream. Why do dreams have to be so hard for me? Why am I so afraid to fail? Why does this path seem so narrow and crooked? Why Lord why do I feel like I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back? Why does my mind keep searching the past for answers rather than looking toward the future? Why do I seem to be stuck in the hard places?

Yes, I am truly grateful for all that I have and praise Him but he also sees a very ugly side of me. The one that asks the hard questions, has doubts and worries but never fails to tell Him that I love Him and to be patient with me. I am truly doing the best I can on this path called life.

If you are searching your dreams, try to begin by focusing on the positive things then move to the middle and include any murky, swampy, waters that you are afraid to cross on your own. End that search with thankfulness. Become thankful for the ugly middle that brought you to this very honest search and conversation with Christ. Give thanks that He is on this journey with you and you are not alone.

I am not that person who gives up the dream. I want to keep my dreams alive.

I am not that person who doesn't ask questions. My mind continually thinks.

I am not that person who I once was. I want to be this new version.

Life has changed me. It has made me a little broken, a little lonely, a little scared and a little empty but also a little healed and able to share a little bit of love.

I am that person who is a little rough around the edges. Some days I fail to see all the goodness as pursue my dreams so Lord please keep making me.

Acts 15:7-9 (NIV)
After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith.

Call of Duty

Duty calls. It seems like the business of volunteering has once again taken center stage.

Many hats. Much time. Zero energy.

When we are in service to others, it is one of the greatest rewards we can give. We give a tiny bit of our lives to someone else. A priceless gift.

To me, there is nothing more rewarding than serving others.

Sometimes that service comes at a price.

I become mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I am not giving 100% effort and failing to serve in the way I envision.

Deep down, I have a fear of failure. Failure to live up to my own expectations.

While there are days when I am drained, my legs ache and I feel like I have nothing more to give I am reminded that I can do more.

A few hours of sleep can do wonders for the body and soul.

When I lay down, I turn what I may be feeling over to God.

Every failure.

Every sin.

Every mistake.

Every worry.

I ask Jesus to forgive me and to help me forgive others. It is a constant, never ending process.

After I turn everything over to Him, I give thanks.

Colossians 3:17
Whatever you do, whether in speech or action, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus and give thanks to God the Father through him.

During those times when I feel drained, God never ceases to amaze me. I can look back on the week and see how He has woven bits of encouragement into my life. He is the Great Artist and we are His masterpiece.

He restores my faith when I feel I have none.

He give me hope when I feel I am lost.

He gives me love when I feel unloved.

The days when I feel I want to give up serving others is when He breathes life back into me. Sometimes it's very subtle, like a small bit of energy just when I need it. At other times, it's a jolt of full throttle adrenaline that makes me feel like I could move a bus.

I always remember that this is what I am called to do even when I feel drained. Serve.

He reminds me that I am to serve others with the heart of a servant. Even to those I do not want to serve. You know, the ones that are hard to love.

I am to give back to others the gifts that He gives me every day.

Grace. Peace. Faith. Hope. Love. Kindness. Forgiveness.

Some days these gifts are easy to give to others but there are those days that I struggle. My two biggest struggles are forgiving others and showing grace.

Forgiveness and grace are my work in progress. If I want to receive the full gifts that Christ wants me to have, I must serve others in every way. Especially on my struggling days.

Let Jesus into your heart and let Him fill your life with the abundant gifts that He longs to give. Then take that gift and share it with others. Even the ones that are hard to love.

1 Peter 4:9-11
Open your homes to each other without complaining.  And serve each other according to the gift each person has received, as good managers of God’s diverse gifts. Whoever speaks should do so as those who speak God’s word. Whoever serves should do so from the strength that God furnishes. Do this so that in everything God may be honored through Jesus Christ. To him be honor and power forever and always. Amen.