I have debated in my mind how I go about writing this post. After much consideration and many prayers, I just came to the conclusion...just say it.
To say the past year has been difficult would be an understatement. I know that there are millions of people out there who are far worse off than I am but for me, this has been the hardest 14 months of my adult life.
I got a divorce and my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
This is not a normal occurrence in my world. At times the life has been sucked right out of me.
The path my life has taken may not be what I planned but I know and I have faith that I will end up where I need to be. This is a bumpy, pot holed filled, curvy, gravel road that will one day end up being smooth pavement.
There is nothing easy about divorce. It sucks. There are emotions that you never imagine until you face the facts and wake up every day to deal with a new set of choices. There are choices that impact you, your family and friends. It was the most terrifying time because my kids were always first on my mind and the choices are not always clear.
My girls and their well being are always the first thing I consider. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be and do my best to set a good example. A Christian single mom who wants nothing more than for these girls to follow Jesus.
I wish I could say that our everyday life is perfect but it's not. I'm a single mom raising two strong willed teenage daughters. We are constantly compromising and learning how to navigate our new life.
Yes, I am human so I stumble and occasionally fall. When I fall there is not other choice but to get back up and try again.
But you know what? I kept going. And going. And going. And going.
I fell hard the day my mom called to say she had inflammatory breast cancer. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was in the middle of my firestorm of life and had to quickly shift gears. How could I juggle all of these life changing events?
I felt bruised, scraped and broken. How do I get up now Lord?
The hardest thing was not being able to fix her. Heck, I couldn't fix my own broken marriage so how was I going to handle this? My dad was always the fixer and since he passed, we have just sort of cruised along. Now it was time to sink or swim and sinking was not an option!
I watched her hair begin to fall out after chemo began. One day she decided she had enough and took out a set of clippers and shaved her hair off.
The day she began to comment about the girls hair being so beautiful, I knew she longed to have her hair back. She donned a wig every day but I'm certain, as a woman, she longs to be able to shampoo and style her own hair.
Then came the surgery and complications. The day I saw her incision, things became very real. Cancer had become our enemy and she was in for a fight.
I cannot imagine all of the emotions that she must go through every day. I know what I experience every day but I am not the one facing cancer. I'm angry, she's angry. I'm frustrated, she's frustrated. My heart breaks for her and I know her heart breaks for me.
My mom is a worry wart but she is also the one of the toughest women I know. She grew up on a farm where hard work was not a choice, it was a way of living. She ran a hay baler and could probably work circles around me if it wasn't for this disease making her weak. As a teenager, I know she took me down in a wrestling move a time or two just to put me in my place.
Under all of this tough exterior you will find the heart of kindness and compassion. It is very evident that she is loved. The family and friends who have helped and prayed for us through the last year can never be thanked enough. If it weren't for them, I don't know how we would have made this journey.
When I look at the legacy that I am passing down to my girls, I pray that they know that whatever the future holds, they have been raised by strong women. That they can face and conquer whatever life brings and the power of prayer is what gets us through. No matter how many times life knocks you down, you don't quit. You smile at the people that encourage you and most of all you smile at the haters.
Yes, there are some days when I have so much on my mind that I feel like I'm actually losing my mind. Unless you have walked a mile in someone's shoes, save the judgment. Treat everyone with kindness and forgive often.
This is not my normal life but it is real and I am very thankful for those who have stuck by my side and supported me during the waves of emotions. Then add my beautiful girls who make me crazy and complete. They all have made me laugh on days when I just wanted to stay in bed and avoid life.
So this Christmas is very different from any of the others. It is not our normal holiday season. We are survivors celebrating in a different season of life. This is a Christmas to look at life a little differently and appreciate what the birth of a baby in Bethlehem meant for all of us.
Luke 2: 10-11
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord"
I am so thankful for all you readers because you inspire me every day to be a better person. You will never know how much your encouragement means to me.
May you all have a blessed Christmas!
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