I'm Not That Person

As  a little girl, I would sit and daydream about my future. I drew countless pictures of my dream house, inside and out. I planned my wedding by listing my bridesmaids based on who ranked as my favorite friends.

How simple life was back then. The dreams. The future. The innocence.

Year after passing year, those dreams changed. A sort of reality took its place.

I still remained a dreamer but those dreams began to take a different shape. They began to mature and become real.

My first job.

My first car.

My first love.

My first broken heart.

My house plans sit on a shelf collecting dust.

All of the swirling dreams of a little girl began to shift to worries of a young woman. The place is set where fantasy collides with reality.

So, how do we as grown ups keep dreams alive?

It begins with searching your heart. What dream has God placed within you? Are you pursuing your dreams?

I know for me, keeping the dream alive takes a great amount of stillness and soul searching not to mention the part where I have to demonstrate self control and give up my own selfish thoughts. It is so hard to dive deep into yourself and become totally honest.

What is even harder is to be patient and not try to control the pace. It makes me want to clinch my fists and scream. Why do dreams have to be so hard for me? Why am I so afraid to fail? Why does this path seem so narrow and crooked? Why Lord why do I feel like I take 1 step forward and 2 steps back? Why does my mind keep searching the past for answers rather than looking toward the future? Why do I seem to be stuck in the hard places?

Yes, I am truly grateful for all that I have and praise Him but he also sees a very ugly side of me. The one that asks the hard questions, has doubts and worries but never fails to tell Him that I love Him and to be patient with me. I am truly doing the best I can on this path called life.

If you are searching your dreams, try to begin by focusing on the positive things then move to the middle and include any murky, swampy, waters that you are afraid to cross on your own. End that search with thankfulness. Become thankful for the ugly middle that brought you to this very honest search and conversation with Christ. Give thanks that He is on this journey with you and you are not alone.

I am not that person who gives up the dream. I want to keep my dreams alive.

I am not that person who doesn't ask questions. My mind continually thinks.

I am not that person who I once was. I want to be this new version.

Life has changed me. It has made me a little broken, a little lonely, a little scared and a little empty but also a little healed and able to share a little bit of love.

I am that person who is a little rough around the edges. Some days I fail to see all the goodness as pursue my dreams so Lord please keep making me.

Acts 15:7-9 (NIV)
After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith.