Duty calls. It seems like the business of volunteering has once again taken center stage.
Many hats. Much time. Zero energy.
When we are in service to others, it is one of the greatest rewards we can give. We give a tiny bit of our lives to someone else. A priceless gift.
To me, there is nothing more rewarding than serving others.
Sometimes that service comes at a price.
I become mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I am not giving 100% effort and failing to serve in the way I envision.
Deep down, I have a fear of failure. Failure to live up to my own expectations.
While there are days when I am drained, my legs ache and I feel like I have nothing more to give I am reminded that I can do more.
A few hours of sleep can do wonders for the body and soul.
When I lay down, I turn what I may be feeling over to God.
Every failure.
Every sin.
Every mistake.
Every worry.
I ask Jesus to forgive me and to help me forgive others. It is a constant, never ending process.
After I turn everything over to Him, I give thanks.
Colossians 3:17
Whatever you do, whether in speech or action, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus and give thanks to God the Father through him.
During those times when I feel drained, God never ceases to amaze me. I can look back on the week and see how He has woven bits of encouragement into my life. He is the Great Artist and we are His masterpiece.
He restores my faith when I feel I have none.
He give me hope when I feel I am lost.
He gives me love when I feel unloved.
The days when I feel I want to give up serving others is when He breathes life back into me. Sometimes it's very subtle, like a small bit of energy just when I need it. At other times, it's a jolt of full throttle adrenaline that makes me feel like I could move a bus.
I always remember that this is what I am called to do even when I feel drained. Serve.
He reminds me that I am to serve others with the heart of a servant. Even to those I do not want to serve. You know, the ones that are hard to love.
I am to give back to others the gifts that He gives me every day.
Grace. Peace. Faith. Hope. Love. Kindness. Forgiveness.
Some days these gifts are easy to give to others but there are those days that I struggle. My two biggest struggles are forgiving others and showing grace.
Forgiveness and grace are my work in progress. If I want to receive the full gifts that Christ wants me to have, I must serve others in every way. Especially on my struggling days.
Let Jesus into your heart and let Him fill your life with the abundant gifts that He longs to give. Then take that gift and share it with others. Even the ones that are hard to love.
1 Peter 4:9-11
Open your homes to each other without complaining. And serve each other according to the gift each person has received, as good managers of God’s diverse gifts. Whoever speaks should do so as those who speak God’s word. Whoever serves should do so from the strength that God furnishes. Do this so that in everything God may be honored through Jesus Christ. To him be honor and power forever and always. Amen.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
And the Rain Came
Dear Friends,
Do you ever feel as if you are on a rollercoaster? The day starts out simply clicking ahead. You are moving upward and forward. You seem to coast along for a short while. You take a sharp turn. You are thrust forward and feel as if you are freefalling to the bottom. It's fast and terrifying.
A mentor of mine whispered to me one day, "Kim, you know that the enemy will try his hardest when you are making a breakthrough. He will come at you with all his might and try to destroy you."
She was absolutely right. He wants to separate us from the love of Jesus.
Our path is under construction. A constant state of construction. We are becoming refined, renewed and refreshed every day.
Isiah 61:6 (MSG)
They’ll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They’ll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.
Somedays my construction is delayed by the weather. Most often it is rain. Rain that comes in the form of weeping.
I will honestly admit that I am full of emotions. I weep when I'm happy. I weep when I am sad. I laugh when I'm happy. I laugh when I'm sad.
I cannot help that I am full of emotion. That is the way God made me. I would rather someone see me cry than be the person who stands there emotionless.
When the tears fall like rain and I'm in the state of freefall that I rely on my faith to catch me.
I think there are just days where we are not certain. Are we following the right path? If we are on the right path, why does it seem like we took a dead end or detour?
God gave me the ability to come to Him when I feel uncertain.
This is God's plan to construct us even when we feel as though we are lost in the abyss of construction. When we drop to our knees and plead for the rain to stop. When we are blinded by the pouring rain and trust that God will get us safely to our destination.
The day will come when we will experience the excitement of the rollercoaster ride rather than the fear. The letting go of the bar with your hands in the air, screaming in delight.
The day when the rain stops, the path is clear and beautiful. The sun is shining and we are basking in the abundance of the day.
Until then my friends, follow the winding road. Take the detor. Turn around if you need to. Exit the rollercoaster and fall back in line.
The ride isn't over.
It is only just begun.
Psalm 116:8-9
You, God, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, and my foot from stumbling, so I’ll walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
Do you ever feel as if you are on a rollercoaster? The day starts out simply clicking ahead. You are moving upward and forward. You seem to coast along for a short while. You take a sharp turn. You are thrust forward and feel as if you are freefalling to the bottom. It's fast and terrifying.
A mentor of mine whispered to me one day, "Kim, you know that the enemy will try his hardest when you are making a breakthrough. He will come at you with all his might and try to destroy you."
She was absolutely right. He wants to separate us from the love of Jesus.
Our path is under construction. A constant state of construction. We are becoming refined, renewed and refreshed every day.
Isiah 61:6 (MSG)
They’ll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They’ll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.
Somedays my construction is delayed by the weather. Most often it is rain. Rain that comes in the form of weeping.
I will honestly admit that I am full of emotions. I weep when I'm happy. I weep when I am sad. I laugh when I'm happy. I laugh when I'm sad.
I cannot help that I am full of emotion. That is the way God made me. I would rather someone see me cry than be the person who stands there emotionless.
When the tears fall like rain and I'm in the state of freefall that I rely on my faith to catch me.
I think there are just days where we are not certain. Are we following the right path? If we are on the right path, why does it seem like we took a dead end or detour?
God gave me the ability to come to Him when I feel uncertain.
This is God's plan to construct us even when we feel as though we are lost in the abyss of construction. When we drop to our knees and plead for the rain to stop. When we are blinded by the pouring rain and trust that God will get us safely to our destination.
The day will come when we will experience the excitement of the rollercoaster ride rather than the fear. The letting go of the bar with your hands in the air, screaming in delight.
The day when the rain stops, the path is clear and beautiful. The sun is shining and we are basking in the abundance of the day.
Until then my friends, follow the winding road. Take the detor. Turn around if you need to. Exit the rollercoaster and fall back in line.
The ride isn't over.
It is only just begun.
Psalm 116:8-9
You, God, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, and my foot from stumbling, so I’ll walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Humble and Forgiven
2 Corinthians 2:10-11
If you forgive anyone for anything, I do too. And whatever I’ve forgiven (if I’ve forgiven anything), I did it for you in the presence of Christ. This is so that we won’t be taken advantage of by Satan, because we are well aware of his schemes.
Do you ever look back and think of a time when you could have handled something differently? I sure do.
I know there have been times when I have messed up so terribly that I can't think of a way to make ammends.
Maybe it was a "knee jerk" reaction.
Harsh words said from hurt feelings.
Talking rather than listening.
Trying to prove I'm right rather than doing what is right.
The truth is, we all have experienced our share of messes. The real truth is once it's done, it can't be undone.
Some of the things we create in our mess do not reveal who we really are. Sometimes they come from a place of such deep hurt that we simply cannot conceal it.
The pressure that we put on ourselves in our journey can be overwhelming. We push forward and try to do our best and then...WHAM! We find ourselves clinging to the end of a rope and we feel as if no one sees or hears us. We feel alone in the wilderness.
We made a mistake.
We knowingly committed a sin.
We unintentionally committed a sin.
We are humiliated.
We made a mess.
We feel like a failure.
The truth is we are not any of these feelings.
The experience may make us feel like a spiritual failure. We are now insecure because of the perfection we expect. The only perfection we should seek does not come in human form.
He is molding you. He is not finished with you. He sees you.
I have learned as I get older that trying to make ammends requires a great act of courage. The courage to say you have messed up and the courage to ask someone for forgiveness.
Giving or recieving forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It means making peace with yourself and with others.
With God, once you humble yourself to ask for forgiveness it is removed.
Don't ever forget your value. You are priceless in the eyes of the Lord. You are a blessing. You are forgiven.
Proverbs 3:5-12 (The Message)
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
a father’s delight is behind all this.
If you forgive anyone for anything, I do too. And whatever I’ve forgiven (if I’ve forgiven anything), I did it for you in the presence of Christ. This is so that we won’t be taken advantage of by Satan, because we are well aware of his schemes.
Do you ever look back and think of a time when you could have handled something differently? I sure do.
I know there have been times when I have messed up so terribly that I can't think of a way to make ammends.
Maybe it was a "knee jerk" reaction.
Harsh words said from hurt feelings.
Talking rather than listening.
Trying to prove I'm right rather than doing what is right.
The truth is, we all have experienced our share of messes. The real truth is once it's done, it can't be undone.
Some of the things we create in our mess do not reveal who we really are. Sometimes they come from a place of such deep hurt that we simply cannot conceal it.
The pressure that we put on ourselves in our journey can be overwhelming. We push forward and try to do our best and then...WHAM! We find ourselves clinging to the end of a rope and we feel as if no one sees or hears us. We feel alone in the wilderness.
We made a mistake.
We knowingly committed a sin.
We unintentionally committed a sin.
We are humiliated.
We made a mess.
We feel like a failure.
The truth is we are not any of these feelings.
The experience may make us feel like a spiritual failure. We are now insecure because of the perfection we expect. The only perfection we should seek does not come in human form.
He is molding you. He is not finished with you. He sees you.
I have learned as I get older that trying to make ammends requires a great act of courage. The courage to say you have messed up and the courage to ask someone for forgiveness.
Giving or recieving forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It means making peace with yourself and with others.
With God, once you humble yourself to ask for forgiveness it is removed.
Don't ever forget your value. You are priceless in the eyes of the Lord. You are a blessing. You are forgiven.
Proverbs 3:5-12 (The Message)
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
a father’s delight is behind all this.
Monday, August 17, 2015
One More Chance
2 Timothy 3:15-17
"Since childhood you have known the holy scriptures that help you to be wise in a way that leads to salvation through faith that is in Christ Jesus. Every scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for showing mistakes, for correcting, and for training character, so that the person who belongs to God can be equipped to do everything that is good."
Excitement begins again.
When the new school year approaches, memories creep into my mind. All of those first days of school I have experienced make me yearn for one more. My time experiencing those days are quickly disappearing.
In the midst of the chaos of motherhood, you long to remember those days when you held that tiny baby in you arms. Both those baby girls are now teenagers and present their new list of demands.
No more rushing to make a bottle for the child screaming to be fed. Now they drive to pick up their own food.
No more diapers to be changed or tiny clothes to wash in Dreft. Now their clothes and mine are often shared.
Some days I would like a chance to rock my baby girls to sleep one more time. To hold them and watch them drift off to sleep. To be able to treasure that time not knowing it would be the last.
One more bath where you struggle to hold a slippery baby with one arm while maneuvering a wash cloth and soap with the other.
Oh those precious memories.
Just let me walk them into their Pre-k class one more time. Sadly, that is all we get. One chance.
Time passes too quickly.
There was a time when I would pray that God would keep them safe. I still pray that prayer but over the years, I have added.
"Dear God,
Please keep my children safe. Keep their friends safe. Help them to make good choices. Let them do things that are pleasing to you. Let them walk in faith. Let them be a light. Let them never forget that they are loved. One day bring a man of God into their lives that will love them unconditionally and lead their family to be Your faithful servants."
Over the years I have spent a little time in our local public schools and in the Sunday school classroom. I have mentored, read, volunteered and served as many times as I could.
During those times I have learned to be an active listener. An active listener really focuses on what is being said.
I have always felt in my heart that some kids are not heard. They are seen for who they are on the outside rather than what they have in their heart.
At times, I felt that some needed to be heard more than others. Those students are the ones I always wanted to ask questions to engage their mind and let them know that I was really listening to them.
I hope they remember that. There is a different feeling when you see someone you have actively listened to. They believe that someone cared enough about them to just listen.
I was not an active listener to my own kids at times. There were demands of motherhood, work and stress in general that stole away some precious moments. Today, I am doing my best to be that active listener in my own home.
This school year, I plan to practice hospitality more often. I want every person who steps through my door to know that they are welcome.
I am mentally taking a different approach to this new beginning. Savoring every precious memory before these last few school years are a distant memory.
Cherish those who care, those who need to be heard, those that have nothing to offer in return. You may impact someones life in a way you never imagined.
You only have one chance at life. One chance to make a difference.
Show someone you care today and let them know that what they have to say is important.
Teach them well. Be a listener. Have a servants heart.
"Since childhood you have known the holy scriptures that help you to be wise in a way that leads to salvation through faith that is in Christ Jesus. Every scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for showing mistakes, for correcting, and for training character, so that the person who belongs to God can be equipped to do everything that is good."
Excitement begins again.
When the new school year approaches, memories creep into my mind. All of those first days of school I have experienced make me yearn for one more. My time experiencing those days are quickly disappearing.
In the midst of the chaos of motherhood, you long to remember those days when you held that tiny baby in you arms. Both those baby girls are now teenagers and present their new list of demands.
No more rushing to make a bottle for the child screaming to be fed. Now they drive to pick up their own food.
No more diapers to be changed or tiny clothes to wash in Dreft. Now their clothes and mine are often shared.
Some days I would like a chance to rock my baby girls to sleep one more time. To hold them and watch them drift off to sleep. To be able to treasure that time not knowing it would be the last.
One more bath where you struggle to hold a slippery baby with one arm while maneuvering a wash cloth and soap with the other.
Oh those precious memories.
Just let me walk them into their Pre-k class one more time. Sadly, that is all we get. One chance.
Time passes too quickly.
There was a time when I would pray that God would keep them safe. I still pray that prayer but over the years, I have added.
"Dear God,
Please keep my children safe. Keep their friends safe. Help them to make good choices. Let them do things that are pleasing to you. Let them walk in faith. Let them be a light. Let them never forget that they are loved. One day bring a man of God into their lives that will love them unconditionally and lead their family to be Your faithful servants."
Over the years I have spent a little time in our local public schools and in the Sunday school classroom. I have mentored, read, volunteered and served as many times as I could.
During those times I have learned to be an active listener. An active listener really focuses on what is being said.
I have always felt in my heart that some kids are not heard. They are seen for who they are on the outside rather than what they have in their heart.
At times, I felt that some needed to be heard more than others. Those students are the ones I always wanted to ask questions to engage their mind and let them know that I was really listening to them.
I hope they remember that. There is a different feeling when you see someone you have actively listened to. They believe that someone cared enough about them to just listen.
I was not an active listener to my own kids at times. There were demands of motherhood, work and stress in general that stole away some precious moments. Today, I am doing my best to be that active listener in my own home.
This school year, I plan to practice hospitality more often. I want every person who steps through my door to know that they are welcome.
I am mentally taking a different approach to this new beginning. Savoring every precious memory before these last few school years are a distant memory.
Cherish those who care, those who need to be heard, those that have nothing to offer in return. You may impact someones life in a way you never imagined.
You only have one chance at life. One chance to make a difference.
Show someone you care today and let them know that what they have to say is important.
Teach them well. Be a listener. Have a servants heart.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Making My Way
"I prayed to the Lord and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4
How are you?
I admit I am going to miss that question a little. It was the first question my counselor would ask as soon as she would see me.
You see, I kind of graduated and I am very proud of that fact. Five months ago, I wasn't sure that day would come but I worked hard and faced every difficult situation with every ounce of determination I could spare.
The question has changed. Who am I now?
It's a question I ask myself several times a week. I know who I am but exactly who am I becoming?
There are days where I am so confident I scare myself. I am bold and fearless and feel like there is nothing that I cannot accomplish. I love those kinds of days.
It seems as if those confident days are followed by days of worry, anxiety and trying my hardest to trust people. I detest those kinds of days. My mom always told me hate was a strong word so I try not to use it but it fits here. I hate those kinds of days.
Those worry filled days that I hate are actually the ones I should be thankful for. Those days are the ones that drive me to my knees asking God to give me faith and be my shelter and shield. Times that I lean on His to be my rock and fortress because I am weak.
I know I am not the person that I was. I have to admit that some days I do worry about the path I am on. Am I enough? Will I stumble? Will I stay the course? Will I wait patiently? Will my dreams become reality?
The future is a scary but exciting thing. For so many years I lost hope in what the future was and now I find myself reprogramming my mind to stay hopeful for what the future has in store for me. Hopeful for what God has in store for me.
One of the best feelings I have is when I share pieces of me with others. Small tokens to let someone know I have thought about them. A text, card, note, gift, or sharing something I cooked are ways I want others to know they matter.
That is who I am. The person who prays every day to show as much love, care, kindness and respect to others as I can.
This reminds me of a recent instance where I felt called to share with someone who needed encouraging.
My oldest daughter was preparing to take her driving test. We practiced, I raised my voice, she protested and we were both frustrated by the time we entered the DPS office.
I was nervous for two reasons. She was either going to fail the test and be devastated or she was going to pass and be ecstatic. Either way meant some fear for the next chapter in our lives. A teenager behind the wheel without her Mom.
As she was taking her driving test, a dad and his daughter were leaving the office. He asked if I was a nervous mom and of course I replied yes. We chatted about his daughter who just failed the parallel parking portion of the test. You could tell by her face that she was upset and it truly broke my heart. As we talked, I told her that tomorrow was another day and she would do much better the next time.
After my daughter returned with a huge smile, I knew that she had passed but my heart was with the girl that had just failed. She needed more than what I had just said to her. It was an undeniable tug to share something with her.
As we left the parking lot, I noticed a car practicing in the parallel parking section. Both my girls asked why I was driving over there and I explained I had to finish something I started.
I rolled down the window and the young girl rolled hers down. I shared with her that she needed to be confident and let the past stay where it belongs. I let her know we had faith that she would pass the next test and if she felt insecure, she just needed to ask Jesus to be with her and take away her fears.
Her dad nodded in the passenger seat as I poured out what was on my heart and she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. My ecstatic heart pounded as I drove away and I said silently "Thank you God for pushing me to share."
Who I am becoming cannot be measured. It can only be felt by those who can see what is in my heart.
How are you?
I admit I am going to miss that question a little. It was the first question my counselor would ask as soon as she would see me.
You see, I kind of graduated and I am very proud of that fact. Five months ago, I wasn't sure that day would come but I worked hard and faced every difficult situation with every ounce of determination I could spare.
The question has changed. Who am I now?
It's a question I ask myself several times a week. I know who I am but exactly who am I becoming?
There are days where I am so confident I scare myself. I am bold and fearless and feel like there is nothing that I cannot accomplish. I love those kinds of days.
It seems as if those confident days are followed by days of worry, anxiety and trying my hardest to trust people. I detest those kinds of days. My mom always told me hate was a strong word so I try not to use it but it fits here. I hate those kinds of days.
Those worry filled days that I hate are actually the ones I should be thankful for. Those days are the ones that drive me to my knees asking God to give me faith and be my shelter and shield. Times that I lean on His to be my rock and fortress because I am weak.
I know I am not the person that I was. I have to admit that some days I do worry about the path I am on. Am I enough? Will I stumble? Will I stay the course? Will I wait patiently? Will my dreams become reality?
The future is a scary but exciting thing. For so many years I lost hope in what the future was and now I find myself reprogramming my mind to stay hopeful for what the future has in store for me. Hopeful for what God has in store for me.
One of the best feelings I have is when I share pieces of me with others. Small tokens to let someone know I have thought about them. A text, card, note, gift, or sharing something I cooked are ways I want others to know they matter.
That is who I am. The person who prays every day to show as much love, care, kindness and respect to others as I can.
This reminds me of a recent instance where I felt called to share with someone who needed encouraging.
My oldest daughter was preparing to take her driving test. We practiced, I raised my voice, she protested and we were both frustrated by the time we entered the DPS office.
I was nervous for two reasons. She was either going to fail the test and be devastated or she was going to pass and be ecstatic. Either way meant some fear for the next chapter in our lives. A teenager behind the wheel without her Mom.
As she was taking her driving test, a dad and his daughter were leaving the office. He asked if I was a nervous mom and of course I replied yes. We chatted about his daughter who just failed the parallel parking portion of the test. You could tell by her face that she was upset and it truly broke my heart. As we talked, I told her that tomorrow was another day and she would do much better the next time.
After my daughter returned with a huge smile, I knew that she had passed but my heart was with the girl that had just failed. She needed more than what I had just said to her. It was an undeniable tug to share something with her.
As we left the parking lot, I noticed a car practicing in the parallel parking section. Both my girls asked why I was driving over there and I explained I had to finish something I started.
I rolled down the window and the young girl rolled hers down. I shared with her that she needed to be confident and let the past stay where it belongs. I let her know we had faith that she would pass the next test and if she felt insecure, she just needed to ask Jesus to be with her and take away her fears.
Her dad nodded in the passenger seat as I poured out what was on my heart and she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. My ecstatic heart pounded as I drove away and I said silently "Thank you God for pushing me to share."
Who I am becoming cannot be measured. It can only be felt by those who can see what is in my heart.
"We were glad to share not only God’s good news with you but also our very lives because we cared for you so much" 1 Thessalonians 2:8
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Part of My Story...I'll Run Until I Finish
I shared this with my church family as I renewed my baptism. This is a glimpse into the story that has shaped me into the person I am today.
The love that I felt after sharing this was overwhelming.
Thank you all for your support and kindness. I am truly blessed.
I know that listening to testimonies can be hard to relate to at times. I pray that no one in this sanctuary ever has to feel so broken that you don't know which direction to move. For some, brokenness is easy to see but with others, you never know what story lies behind the carefully placed smile.
This is part of my story.
I was born on Mother's Day at Fort Sam Houston, San Antonio. I was placed with my adoptive family when I was 16 days old and legally adopted the following year on Groundhog Day. I was baptized as an infant, confirmed into membership and attended church regularly but there was something missing. The church I attended during my childhood wasn't the place where I sought comfort when I needed it or joy when I wanted to celebrate. I was simply a pew dweller.
During my teenage years, I made some really bad choices. My lack of self esteem made it easy for me to punish myself and act in a way that would gain the acceptance of others. What I really needed was to feel the unconditional love of Christ but at the moment it was the furthest thing from my mind.
When I became a young, married adult, the years I struggled with infertility were often spent alone and feeling like I was a disappointment. Words like that you try to forgive but you never forget. I felt that God was punishing me and I was a failure.
I became very good at hiding my emotions. I needed to present myself as the good daughter, the good wife, the good friend, the good employee and the good girl. Most of my friends and family had no clue how turbulent my marriage was and I built a wall out of fear that my secrets would be discovered. I kept trying to hold things together because I took my marriage vows seriously. For better or for worse. I was desperately trying to honor God and not disappoint Him.
I was losing hope year after year and thought this was as good as my life would ever be. I was miserable and too afraid to use my voice. My life was far from what I dreamed of as a little girl. I wasn't confident and courageous enough to put my full trust in God and let Him lead my on the path I needed to follow.
Shortly before we gave our cardboard testimonies last year, things began to click in my mind. It was like a revelation. God wasn't punishing me I simply wasn't following where He was leading me. He was listening to my prayers when he gave me 2 beautiful, healthy daughters who are my beginning, middle and end. They are my future and my legacy.
In October 2014, I decided it was time I listen to God's gentle voice. It was the start of a renewed life which would involve healing and starting over. I would come to accept that I am not a failure. I am a good mother. I am worthy. I am deserving of love. I am important. My life does matter.
I have learned to be still and listen. I pray without ceasing some days. I have learned to accept who I am becoming even if it pushes me out of my comfort zone. I am not worried about pleasing others or what opinions others may have of me because they do not define me. I am who God says I am and He has plans to good things in my life. I want to do good things with my life.
When I came to Pastor Leah and told her about what God has placed on my heart regarding my baptism, I knew I was on the right path. When she gave me a list of scripture options, today's scripture from Jeremiah is one I wrote it in my prayer journal months ago. A friend gave me a birthday card with that scripture not knowing that I read it daily. That verse gives me peace in my heart and soul.
Reaffirming my baptism would be the next step but the hardest part would be stepping out of my comfort zone and giving part of my testimony. Yes, part of it.
There are parts to my story that I am not strong enough to share with the rest of the world at this moment. Letting others see my pain has been very uncomfortable but healing at the same time. I have found the strength to trust my complete story with a very close circle of people who I know will pray for me.
My counselor has helped me process through some very painful events and I know God is with me every step of the way. He always has been.
God always gave me courage and strength when I needed it most. In the past few months, when I felt paralyzed with fear and anxiety, I prayed Psalm 91 many times during some very long nights. I knew I had to trust God and have faith. He would keep us safe and not let anything harm me or my girls. I refused to give up hope.
My bruises and scars are not visible. They are all hidden deep from your view. They are wounds that a band aid cannot fix. The only healing will come from seeking a deeper relationship with God.
I asked God to forgive the sins of my past and I realized He forgave me a long time ago. Now it was time for me to forgive myself and focus on healing.
My life has slowly begun to get back on track. There have been so many times that God revealed His works that I have a hard time keeping track. One example was finding a place to live.
My house was under contract and I was desperately searching for a place to live. Jill Hennig knew about my situation and mentioned that her mom would be moving to Wesley House. Although she planned to move in while her house was being remodeled, she sacrificed her needs for mine. So, a few months ago on a very busy Easter weekend with a bunch of teenagers and a few friends who gave up their Saturday, we moved. It was chaos. It was exhausting. There were many tears shed when Pastor Leah (straight out of the shower) came to bless our new home. It was the first time I had a house that had been blessed and it was a feeling beyond words
That night after everyone left and I was locking up, my oldest daughter met me at the door. I knew I was being led in the right direction when she wrapped her arms around me and said the words I will never forget. "Mom, you are the strongest woman I know and I am very proud of you." WOW!
A few weeks ago when both of my daughters were on Mission Trip, little did I know how our story would come full circle.
My youngest was assigned to Chez Hope, a crisis center for families of domestic abuse. When they returned home, we talked about all the little hand prints on the walls and the people who come there during their life storms. It was then that she realized how our story was similar to those she served and how God provides shelter and comfort to those who need it most.
I want my girls to know that no matter what they do in this life, nothing can separate them from Jesus love. As women, most of us crave love. We give love and we want to receive love. We nurture and we make homes that we fill with our love. Faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love.
In the midst of my storm, my mother was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Once again, the enemy was trying to test our faith. What the enemy doesn't know is that we have an army of prayer warriors that send up prayers for all of us every day.
It is amazing that God has led so many new faces into my life. Some of the old faces have remained constant but the new ones have shown me the path I would like to travel. A life filled with kindness and love, even to those who have nothing to offer in return. Life really is filled with amazing grace!
I am truly thankful that God has given me these seasons of my life even what seems like the long, dreaded winter. If He hadn't given me these seasons to live through, I don't know that I would be developing a closer relationship with Him.
Jesus shed His blood on the cross to save us. That is a relationship I cannot ignore. My relationship with the Lord has to be first and honored above anything else. This renewed relationship has brought me to a new spring and summer. It is now my time of rebirth and renewal. A hopeful future just as the Prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11
11 years ago, I found my way to this church and what a blessing it has been.
What has happened to me is not as important as what is happening in me.
I'll share the words to a song I was recently introduced to. It reminds me of the race batons Carolyn Gray gave the confirmation class a few years ago.
"I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
No matter the cost
And I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
Even though at times I may get lost
I'm going to finish my race
I'm going to take my proper place
In the winning circle
I'm going to run anyway
I don't know where or when or how
But I know that I'm going to make it
Oh, I'll run this race
Nestled safely in amazing grace
I've made up my mind and I don't have much time
But I'll run till I finish"
http://www.incourage.me/
The love that I felt after sharing this was overwhelming.
Thank you all for your support and kindness. I am truly blessed.
I know that listening to testimonies can be hard to relate to at times. I pray that no one in this sanctuary ever has to feel so broken that you don't know which direction to move. For some, brokenness is easy to see but with others, you never know what story lies behind the carefully placed smile.
This is part of my story.
I was born on Mother's Day at Fort Sam Houston, San Antonio. I was placed with my adoptive family when I was 16 days old and legally adopted the following year on Groundhog Day. I was baptized as an infant, confirmed into membership and attended church regularly but there was something missing. The church I attended during my childhood wasn't the place where I sought comfort when I needed it or joy when I wanted to celebrate. I was simply a pew dweller.
During my teenage years, I made some really bad choices. My lack of self esteem made it easy for me to punish myself and act in a way that would gain the acceptance of others. What I really needed was to feel the unconditional love of Christ but at the moment it was the furthest thing from my mind.
When I became a young, married adult, the years I struggled with infertility were often spent alone and feeling like I was a disappointment. Words like that you try to forgive but you never forget. I felt that God was punishing me and I was a failure.
I became very good at hiding my emotions. I needed to present myself as the good daughter, the good wife, the good friend, the good employee and the good girl. Most of my friends and family had no clue how turbulent my marriage was and I built a wall out of fear that my secrets would be discovered. I kept trying to hold things together because I took my marriage vows seriously. For better or for worse. I was desperately trying to honor God and not disappoint Him.
I was losing hope year after year and thought this was as good as my life would ever be. I was miserable and too afraid to use my voice. My life was far from what I dreamed of as a little girl. I wasn't confident and courageous enough to put my full trust in God and let Him lead my on the path I needed to follow.
Shortly before we gave our cardboard testimonies last year, things began to click in my mind. It was like a revelation. God wasn't punishing me I simply wasn't following where He was leading me. He was listening to my prayers when he gave me 2 beautiful, healthy daughters who are my beginning, middle and end. They are my future and my legacy.
In October 2014, I decided it was time I listen to God's gentle voice. It was the start of a renewed life which would involve healing and starting over. I would come to accept that I am not a failure. I am a good mother. I am worthy. I am deserving of love. I am important. My life does matter.
I have learned to be still and listen. I pray without ceasing some days. I have learned to accept who I am becoming even if it pushes me out of my comfort zone. I am not worried about pleasing others or what opinions others may have of me because they do not define me. I am who God says I am and He has plans to good things in my life. I want to do good things with my life.
When I came to Pastor Leah and told her about what God has placed on my heart regarding my baptism, I knew I was on the right path. When she gave me a list of scripture options, today's scripture from Jeremiah is one I wrote it in my prayer journal months ago. A friend gave me a birthday card with that scripture not knowing that I read it daily. That verse gives me peace in my heart and soul.
Reaffirming my baptism would be the next step but the hardest part would be stepping out of my comfort zone and giving part of my testimony. Yes, part of it.
There are parts to my story that I am not strong enough to share with the rest of the world at this moment. Letting others see my pain has been very uncomfortable but healing at the same time. I have found the strength to trust my complete story with a very close circle of people who I know will pray for me.
My counselor has helped me process through some very painful events and I know God is with me every step of the way. He always has been.
God always gave me courage and strength when I needed it most. In the past few months, when I felt paralyzed with fear and anxiety, I prayed Psalm 91 many times during some very long nights. I knew I had to trust God and have faith. He would keep us safe and not let anything harm me or my girls. I refused to give up hope.
My bruises and scars are not visible. They are all hidden deep from your view. They are wounds that a band aid cannot fix. The only healing will come from seeking a deeper relationship with God.
I asked God to forgive the sins of my past and I realized He forgave me a long time ago. Now it was time for me to forgive myself and focus on healing.
My life has slowly begun to get back on track. There have been so many times that God revealed His works that I have a hard time keeping track. One example was finding a place to live.
My house was under contract and I was desperately searching for a place to live. Jill Hennig knew about my situation and mentioned that her mom would be moving to Wesley House. Although she planned to move in while her house was being remodeled, she sacrificed her needs for mine. So, a few months ago on a very busy Easter weekend with a bunch of teenagers and a few friends who gave up their Saturday, we moved. It was chaos. It was exhausting. There were many tears shed when Pastor Leah (straight out of the shower) came to bless our new home. It was the first time I had a house that had been blessed and it was a feeling beyond words
That night after everyone left and I was locking up, my oldest daughter met me at the door. I knew I was being led in the right direction when she wrapped her arms around me and said the words I will never forget. "Mom, you are the strongest woman I know and I am very proud of you." WOW!
A few weeks ago when both of my daughters were on Mission Trip, little did I know how our story would come full circle.
My youngest was assigned to Chez Hope, a crisis center for families of domestic abuse. When they returned home, we talked about all the little hand prints on the walls and the people who come there during their life storms. It was then that she realized how our story was similar to those she served and how God provides shelter and comfort to those who need it most.
I want my girls to know that no matter what they do in this life, nothing can separate them from Jesus love. As women, most of us crave love. We give love and we want to receive love. We nurture and we make homes that we fill with our love. Faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love.
In the midst of my storm, my mother was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Once again, the enemy was trying to test our faith. What the enemy doesn't know is that we have an army of prayer warriors that send up prayers for all of us every day.
It is amazing that God has led so many new faces into my life. Some of the old faces have remained constant but the new ones have shown me the path I would like to travel. A life filled with kindness and love, even to those who have nothing to offer in return. Life really is filled with amazing grace!
I am truly thankful that God has given me these seasons of my life even what seems like the long, dreaded winter. If He hadn't given me these seasons to live through, I don't know that I would be developing a closer relationship with Him.
Jesus shed His blood on the cross to save us. That is a relationship I cannot ignore. My relationship with the Lord has to be first and honored above anything else. This renewed relationship has brought me to a new spring and summer. It is now my time of rebirth and renewal. A hopeful future just as the Prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11
11 years ago, I found my way to this church and what a blessing it has been.
What has happened to me is not as important as what is happening in me.
I'll share the words to a song I was recently introduced to. It reminds me of the race batons Carolyn Gray gave the confirmation class a few years ago.
"I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
No matter the cost
And I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
Even though at times I may get lost
I'm going to finish my race
I'm going to take my proper place
In the winning circle
I'm going to run anyway
I don't know where or when or how
But I know that I'm going to make it
Oh, I'll run this race
Nestled safely in amazing grace
I've made up my mind and I don't have much time
But I'll run till I finish"
http://www.incourage.me/
Friday, July 10, 2015
Searching for Something Bigger
Waiting in a hospital can give you time to sit and think.
You look around a waiting room full of people and wonder what their story is. Why are they here? Is their friend/loved one worse off than mine? Where are they from? So many questions.
Some wait alone and some are there with crowds of people.
One thing they all have in common is the love for whoever they are waiting for.
One the first day in the waiting room, I was the one who sat with a crowd of people. People who helped pass the time. They made me laugh and they made others around us laugh.
The poor guy who was assigned to search for families to give them updates from surgery had more misses than hits. But we rooted for him. We encouraged him that eventually he would find the family he was searching for.
Isn't that part of who we are? The people who long to be searched for?
Proverbs 2:3-5 "Call out for insight, and cry aloud for understanding. Seek it like silver;
search for it like hidden treasure.Then you will understand the fear of the Lord,
and discover the knowledge of God."
Every day we are given the chance to search for happiness in our day. We interact with people who are searching for happiness. They are the people we are drawn to.
Happy people make happy lives. Happy lives make happy hearts. Happy hearts are filled with love.
On the second day in this waiting room, I sat alone for quite a while. It's not because my friend/loved one was loved less, it simply was not something that was planned.
It gave me a chance to sit and be still. I unplugged from life for a few hours and searched for God.
He never ceases to amaze me.
I was thinking about a friend of mine and praying for them when they called. I was searching and found them right there on the other end of my phone.
On my drive home that evening, I turned my radio off and continued to unplug. My mind needed a rest.
As I made my way to the red light, I noticed a man standing on the corner holding a sign. I was mentally preparing for my car to be stopped next to the man and assumed he was asking for money. I am always reluctant to give money to people standing on street corners.
Today, the sign was different. As I approached, rather than looking the other direction, I stared directly at the sign and read these words:
"God loves you!"
I found what I was searching for right there on a street corner. I desperately needed that reminder and tears began to flow.
Never end your search. We always need to be found when we feel lost. It truly is amazing grace!
1 Chronicles 16:9-11" Sing to God, sing praises to him; dwell on all his wondrous works! Give praise to God’s holy name! Let the hearts rejoice of all those seeking the Lord! Pursue the Lord and his strength; seek his face always!"
http://www.incourage.me/
You look around a waiting room full of people and wonder what their story is. Why are they here? Is their friend/loved one worse off than mine? Where are they from? So many questions.
Some wait alone and some are there with crowds of people.
One thing they all have in common is the love for whoever they are waiting for.
One the first day in the waiting room, I was the one who sat with a crowd of people. People who helped pass the time. They made me laugh and they made others around us laugh.
The poor guy who was assigned to search for families to give them updates from surgery had more misses than hits. But we rooted for him. We encouraged him that eventually he would find the family he was searching for.
Isn't that part of who we are? The people who long to be searched for?
Proverbs 2:3-5 "Call out for insight, and cry aloud for understanding. Seek it like silver;
search for it like hidden treasure.Then you will understand the fear of the Lord,
and discover the knowledge of God."
Every day we are given the chance to search for happiness in our day. We interact with people who are searching for happiness. They are the people we are drawn to.
Happy people make happy lives. Happy lives make happy hearts. Happy hearts are filled with love.
On the second day in this waiting room, I sat alone for quite a while. It's not because my friend/loved one was loved less, it simply was not something that was planned.
It gave me a chance to sit and be still. I unplugged from life for a few hours and searched for God.
He never ceases to amaze me.
I was thinking about a friend of mine and praying for them when they called. I was searching and found them right there on the other end of my phone.
On my drive home that evening, I turned my radio off and continued to unplug. My mind needed a rest.
As I made my way to the red light, I noticed a man standing on the corner holding a sign. I was mentally preparing for my car to be stopped next to the man and assumed he was asking for money. I am always reluctant to give money to people standing on street corners.
Today, the sign was different. As I approached, rather than looking the other direction, I stared directly at the sign and read these words:
"God loves you!"
I found what I was searching for right there on a street corner. I desperately needed that reminder and tears began to flow.
Never end your search. We always need to be found when we feel lost. It truly is amazing grace!
1 Chronicles 16:9-11" Sing to God, sing praises to him; dwell on all his wondrous works! Give praise to God’s holy name! Let the hearts rejoice of all those seeking the Lord! Pursue the Lord and his strength; seek his face always!"
http://www.incourage.me/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)