How are you?
I admit I am going to miss that question a little. It was the first question my counselor would ask as soon as she would see me.
You see, I kind of graduated and I am very proud of that fact. Five months ago, I wasn't sure that day would come but I worked hard and faced every difficult situation with every ounce of determination I could spare.
The question has changed. Who am I now?
It's a question I ask myself several times a week. I know who I am but exactly who am I becoming?
There are days where I am so confident I scare myself. I am bold and fearless and feel like there is nothing that I cannot accomplish. I love those kinds of days.
It seems as if those confident days are followed by days of worry, anxiety and trying my hardest to trust people. I detest those kinds of days. My mom always told me hate was a strong word so I try not to use it but it fits here. I hate those kinds of days.
Those worry filled days that I hate are actually the ones I should be thankful for. Those days are the ones that drive me to my knees asking God to give me faith and be my shelter and shield. Times that I lean on His to be my rock and fortress because I am weak.
I know I am not the person that I was. I have to admit that some days I do worry about the path I am on. Am I enough? Will I stumble? Will I stay the course? Will I wait patiently? Will my dreams become reality?
The future is a scary but exciting thing. For so many years I lost hope in what the future was and now I find myself reprogramming my mind to stay hopeful for what the future has in store for me. Hopeful for what God has in store for me.
One of the best feelings I have is when I share pieces of me with others. Small tokens to let someone know I have thought about them. A text, card, note, gift, or sharing something I cooked are ways I want others to know they matter.
That is who I am. The person who prays every day to show as much love, care, kindness and respect to others as I can.
This reminds me of a recent instance where I felt called to share with someone who needed encouraging.
My oldest daughter was preparing to take her driving test. We practiced, I raised my voice, she protested and we were both frustrated by the time we entered the DPS office.
I was nervous for two reasons. She was either going to fail the test and be devastated or she was going to pass and be ecstatic. Either way meant some fear for the next chapter in our lives. A teenager behind the wheel without her Mom.
As she was taking her driving test, a dad and his daughter were leaving the office. He asked if I was a nervous mom and of course I replied yes. We chatted about his daughter who just failed the parallel parking portion of the test. You could tell by her face that she was upset and it truly broke my heart. As we talked, I told her that tomorrow was another day and she would do much better the next time.
After my daughter returned with a huge smile, I knew that she had passed but my heart was with the girl that had just failed. She needed more than what I had just said to her. It was an undeniable tug to share something with her.
As we left the parking lot, I noticed a car practicing in the parallel parking section. Both my girls asked why I was driving over there and I explained I had to finish something I started.
I rolled down the window and the young girl rolled hers down. I shared with her that she needed to be confident and let the past stay where it belongs. I let her know we had faith that she would pass the next test and if she felt insecure, she just needed to ask Jesus to be with her and take away her fears.
Her dad nodded in the passenger seat as I poured out what was on my heart and she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. My ecstatic heart pounded as I drove away and I said silently "Thank you God for pushing me to share."
Who I am becoming cannot be measured. It can only be felt by those who can see what is in my heart.
"We were glad to share not only God’s good news with you but also our very lives because we cared for you so much" 1 Thessalonians 2:8
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