I shared this with my church family as I renewed my baptism. This is a glimpse into the story that has shaped me into the person I am today.
The love that I felt after sharing this was overwhelming.
Thank you all for your support and kindness. I am truly blessed.
I know that listening to testimonies can be hard to relate to at times. I pray that no one in this sanctuary ever has to feel so broken that you don't know which direction to move. For some, brokenness is easy to see but with others, you never know what story lies behind the carefully placed smile.
This is part of my story.
I was born on Mother's Day at Fort Sam Houston, San Antonio. I was placed with my adoptive family when I was 16 days old and legally adopted the following year on Groundhog Day. I was baptized as an infant, confirmed into membership and attended church regularly but there was something missing. The church I attended during my childhood wasn't the place where I sought comfort when I needed it or joy when I wanted to celebrate. I was simply a pew dweller.
During my teenage years, I made some really bad choices. My lack of self esteem made it easy for me to punish myself and act in a way that would gain the acceptance of others. What I really needed was to feel the unconditional love of Christ but at the moment it was the furthest thing from my mind.
When I became a young, married adult, the years I struggled with infertility were often spent alone and feeling like I was a disappointment. Words like that you try to forgive but you never forget. I felt that God was punishing me and I was a failure.
I became very good at hiding my emotions. I needed to present myself as the good daughter, the good wife, the good friend, the good employee and the good girl. Most of my friends and family had no clue how turbulent my marriage was and I built a wall out of fear that my secrets would be discovered. I kept trying to hold things together because I took my marriage vows seriously. For better or for worse. I was desperately trying to honor God and not disappoint Him.
I was losing hope year after year and thought this was as good as my life would ever be. I was miserable and too afraid to use my voice. My life was far from what I dreamed of as a little girl. I wasn't confident and courageous enough to put my full trust in God and let Him lead my on the path I needed to follow.
Shortly before we gave our cardboard testimonies last year, things began to click in my mind. It was like a revelation. God wasn't punishing me I simply wasn't following where He was leading me. He was listening to my prayers when he gave me 2 beautiful, healthy daughters who are my beginning, middle and end. They are my future and my legacy.
In October 2014, I decided it was time I listen to God's gentle voice. It was the start of a renewed life which would involve healing and starting over. I would come to accept that I am not a failure. I am a good mother. I am worthy. I am deserving of love. I am important. My life does matter.
I have learned to be still and listen. I pray without ceasing some days. I have learned to accept who I am becoming even if it pushes me out of my comfort zone. I am not worried about pleasing others or what opinions others may have of me because they do not define me. I am who God says I am and He has plans to good things in my life. I want to do good things with my life.
When I came to Pastor Leah and told her about what God has placed on my heart regarding my baptism, I knew I was on the right path. When she gave me a list of scripture options, today's scripture from Jeremiah is one I wrote it in my prayer journal months ago. A friend gave me a birthday card with that scripture not knowing that I read it daily. That verse gives me peace in my heart and soul.
Reaffirming my baptism would be the next step but the hardest part would be stepping out of my comfort zone and giving part of my testimony. Yes, part of it.
There are parts to my story that I am not strong enough to share with the rest of the world at this moment. Letting others see my pain has been very uncomfortable but healing at the same time. I have found the strength to trust my complete story with a very close circle of people who I know will pray for me.
My counselor has helped me process through some very painful events and I know God is with me every step of the way. He always has been.
God always gave me courage and strength when I needed it most. In the past few months, when I felt paralyzed with fear and anxiety, I prayed Psalm 91 many times during some very long nights. I knew I had to trust God and have faith. He would keep us safe and not let anything harm me or my girls. I refused to give up hope.
My bruises and scars are not visible. They are all hidden deep from your view. They are wounds that a band aid cannot fix. The only healing will come from seeking a deeper relationship with God.
I asked God to forgive the sins of my past and I realized He forgave me a long time ago. Now it was time for me to forgive myself and focus on healing.
My life has slowly begun to get back on track. There have been so many times that God revealed His works that I have a hard time keeping track. One example was finding a place to live.
My house was under contract and I was desperately searching for a place to live. Jill Hennig knew about my situation and mentioned that her mom would be moving to Wesley House. Although she planned to move in while her house was being remodeled, she sacrificed her needs for mine. So, a few months ago on a very busy Easter weekend with a bunch of teenagers and a few friends who gave up their Saturday, we moved. It was chaos. It was exhausting. There were many tears shed when Pastor Leah (straight out of the shower) came to bless our new home. It was the first time I had a house that had been blessed and it was a feeling beyond words
That night after everyone left and I was locking up, my oldest daughter met me at the door. I knew I was being led in the right direction when she wrapped her arms around me and said the words I will never forget. "Mom, you are the strongest woman I know and I am very proud of you." WOW!
A few weeks ago when both of my daughters were on Mission Trip, little did I know how our story would come full circle.
My youngest was assigned to Chez Hope, a crisis center for families of domestic abuse. When they returned home, we talked about all the little hand prints on the walls and the people who come there during their life storms. It was then that she realized how our story was similar to those she served and how God provides shelter and comfort to those who need it most.
I want my girls to know that no matter what they do in this life, nothing can separate them from Jesus love. As women, most of us crave love. We give love and we want to receive love. We nurture and we make homes that we fill with our love. Faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love.
In the midst of my storm, my mother was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Once again, the enemy was trying to test our faith. What the enemy doesn't know is that we have an army of prayer warriors that send up prayers for all of us every day.
It is amazing that God has led so many new faces into my life. Some of the old faces have remained constant but the new ones have shown me the path I would like to travel. A life filled with kindness and love, even to those who have nothing to offer in return. Life really is filled with amazing grace!
I am truly thankful that God has given me these seasons of my life even what seems like the long, dreaded winter. If He hadn't given me these seasons to live through, I don't know that I would be developing a closer relationship with Him.
Jesus shed His blood on the cross to save us. That is a relationship I cannot ignore. My relationship with the Lord has to be first and honored above anything else. This renewed relationship has brought me to a new spring and summer. It is now my time of rebirth and renewal. A hopeful future just as the Prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11
11 years ago, I found my way to this church and what a blessing it has been.
What has happened to me is not as important as what is happening in me.
I'll share the words to a song I was recently introduced to. It reminds me of the race batons Carolyn Gray gave the confirmation class a few years ago.
"I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
No matter the cost
And I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
Even though at times I may get lost
I'm going to finish my race
I'm going to take my proper place
In the winning circle
I'm going to run anyway
I don't know where or when or how
But I know that I'm going to make it
Oh, I'll run this race
Nestled safely in amazing grace
I've made up my mind and I don't have much time
But I'll run till I finish"
http://www.incourage.me/
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