When Life Hurts

There are times when stated plain and simply, life hurts.

My mechanism of coping with hurt is to hide.

We have a standing joke at my house that I just want to drink wine in my PJ's and raise cats. Even though I really don't like cats, it seems to be what the older, single women on my block do. They feed cats, check the mail and take out the trash. On repeat.

There can be a stretch of several days where I am thrilled with life. Everything is great, the sun is out and life seems too good to be true.

It is on the days of hurt feelings, insecurities and unrest that I want to "hunker down" and not face the world.

I have learned on those hard days that I can ask for one thing from people. Prayer.

Matthew 18:20 CEB
For where two or three are gathered in my name, I'm there with them

There have been many tears that flow because life hurts. I also know that these tears are for the growing season. A time where the seeds have been planted, are now being watered and will become a crop to be gathered.

I will also be the first one to say that I am not a patient gardener. I want to see immediate results and I suppose that is why I have never planted a garden. It requires more patience than I am willing to give.

I know that if I will stay the course, things always get better. A few bad days are followed by some really terrific days.

It's not a bad life, it's just a bad day.

If you are like me, these bad days come from a source of pain either current or past. Sometimes there are visible scars or the ones buried deep beneath the surface that may flare up to remind us of the places that hurt.

The truth is, life will never be perfect. We will always have hard days. We will always experience hurt. Not every seed that is planted turns into a "bumper crop".

The loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, financial loss, guilt or hurt feelings can always expose those scars and make the hurt float to the surface and become visible again.

This is where we have to let hope float. I have to learn to tread water a little longer. Keep planting and watering the seeds waiting to see the first signs of growth.

The rescue boat is on the horizon. It is captained by the only one who can cure us of all the hurt. Jesus.

In His time, he will take those tears and use them for good.

He will give us those mustard seeds of faith to hold us together.

He holds the life preserver that will keep us afloat.

He is our lighthouse and our master gardener.

Stay afloat and see those hurts of life turn to beautiful blooms.

"do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain."

"There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.~ Corrie Ten Boom

An Ultra Runner

Running.

There was a time when I absolutely hated it. I could barely run a complete lap around the track in junior high. I never ran in high school or my early college years. As I hit my 20's, I chose to walk.

It wasn't until after the birth of my second child that I decided to jog and as I entered my 40's, I decided to embrace what I hated.

Now running became a release. A way to release any untruths and just let my mind rest.

"Pain teaches us to run comfortably" ~ Born to Run

As I sit here looking out my patio on a rainy morning, the two books I have spent time on the past couple of weeks have linked two areas of me that I need to work on.

My running abilities and all of my jagged edged insecurities.

The book "Born to Run:  A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen" by Christopher McDougall introduced me to the Tarahumara Indians and the world of ultra runners. These people run for fun and I am not talking my usual 3 miles. They run for over 100 miles just for fun. Talk about a race of endurance.

What surprised me most was the gentle, reclusive nature of the Tarahumara. They are quiet people who live secluded in the hills of Mexico but possess the ability to run for days only wearing thin sandals. It was quite a revelation of sorts that this tribe can be content and happy living in seclusion, maintaining a minimal diet, not possessing material things and have a smile on their face when they run.

This linked my thoughts to my current Beth Moore read, "So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend To Us". It is my daily battle to overcome 20+ years of letting emotional damage wreck my thoughts. If you have never been in this place, take a moment and thank God. If you have been down this road, it is truly an ultra marathon.

Let the Lord give strength to his people! Let the Lord bless his people with peace! Psalms 29:11 CEB

Tying these two places together is easy for me. They are both races of endurance that challenges the body, mind and soul. Running and healing are intertwined in my thoughts. How can I become better at both?

It's in the words of truth which God lays out before us.

...If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31 CEB

The race set before all of us in in our thoughts, words and deeds. It is a race of being content and happy no matter the circumstance.

The thing that struck a chord with me in "Born to Run" was how all of these ultra runners from different parts of the US joined the Tarahumara to run this secret elite race. In the end there was a winner but what was most important was how when each racer crossed the finish line, they didn't stop and celebrate themselves. They ran back to encourage those behind them.

What if we viewed life in that same way? What if today, we took the time to encourage someone that has fallen behind? What if we leave behind our pride and our sense of self to give something to someone else? What if we leave behind insecurities at the starting line and finish with confidence?

I know something I am passionate about is healing. I want nothing more than to help someone who has fallen behind, to lift them up, to encourage them and to be their helping hand.

Sometimes this race means leaving behind the things that are doing us harm in pursuit of the things that God intends to richly reward us. At times, we have to come to terms with not everyone is meant to stay in our journey. I hate to use the familiar phrase but some people are a blessing and others are a lesson.

When we feel rejected, betrayed, hurt or replaced we feel the need to compete. The fact is, we can't compete and we must not choose to compete. We are "clothed in strength and dignity". Remember that statement.

When we set ourselves on this journey of endurance, God is always with us. His Holy Spirit fills us. We are equipped for this ultra race as Christians. We must not choose to compete with those who threaten or exploit our weak or vulnerable spots.

Choose to live peacefully as the Tarahumara. Choose to run your race with the endurance that is only filled with God's words of truth.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.  Hebrews 10: 35-36

Insecurities and Perseverance

 

I looked at the Merriam-Webster dictionary and found two words that perfectly define me:

 

 "insecure"

• not confident about yourself or your ability to do things well: nervous and uncomfortable
• not certain to continue or be successful for a long time

"perseverance"

• the quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult

All I could think at the moment was "WOW" this is me.

 

A few weeks ago, I found a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity: You've Been A Bad Friend To Us" and I have to admit that I downloaded it but have yet to begin the first chapter. I know that it is something I truly need to read but at the same time, I have become comfortable with my insecurities.

Does it even make sense that I want to abandon them yet cling to them?

This is where I need to persevere. This is the moment where I read the book and become uncomfortable in the refining process.

 

This brings back recent memories over spiritual characteristics. My quality without a doubt was perseverance. The majority of my adult life I have found myself digging myself out of a pit and continuing down a path.

 

This is a path that is filled with insecurities. What if I am not enough?

 

I am the first person to try to be positive even though my subconscious is creating doubts every step of the way. I can encourage others all day long until I'm exhausted but I fail to encourage myself.

 

A few days ago I was introduced to a woman who I immediately made my new lifelong friend. Over the course of 3 days and a few private moments of discussion, we found the reason why we were there. It was to form that connection with other women who share similar stories.

 

As we sat for 5 minutes alone in a candlelight filled chapel, I spilled part of my private story to her. She shook her head because she too had traveled a similar path. It was the next day that I was given the story of perseverance that I claimed as my spiritual definition that I can most relate to.

 

My new friend told me about the darkness that comes to steal our joy and I believe her. My darkness is insecurity.  

 

Each and every time I should be overflowing with joy, I find something to be insecure about. It's time that I rid myself of what I have clung to over the years and purge the dark insecurities.

 

This morning, one of my daily devotions reminded me of the very thing I am insecure about...the future. It was one of my favorite verses that I used last year in my testimony from Jeremiah 29:11:

 

  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

I know that others share similar feelings regarding the future. If we just could have a glimpse of the future. If God could just show us a portrait of the questions that wreck our thoughts. Thoughts of future employment, homes, children, friends, relationships or finances that distract from the present.

 

The answer is no. It's not our time, it's His. The future is in His hands. It's His gift of the present that we need to sit back and enjoy like a chilled glass of Texas Well Water.

 

As I just wrapped up a call with my new friend, she reminded me to keep pressing forward and forget the past. So, it's time for me to read the first chapter and say "So Long Insecurity".

 

Friends, persevere and go run your race. Enjoy the sunshine and be a light in the darkness.

 

 

There Are Privileges Not Burdens

This has been one of those weeks. I have dreaded attending a retreat that is intended on strengthening my spiritual life. For the past two weeks, I have struggled to be enthusiastic about something I have prayed about for years. Every day I am thinking of ways to jump off this ship that is about to leave the port.

There are days where I would like nothing better than to throw my phone in the ocean, sit in a beach chair and stay there until someone finds me. I would hope that I could at least hide for 24 hours.

Now I can't fathom totally unplugging for 3 days. Why?

One day I was letting frustration get the best of me. It was spoiling my mood. I couldn't concentrate and at a time I should be very happy and thankful. I was feeling stressed, worried and anxious.

Why do I allow this to happen?

The first reason that comes to mind is that I am human. I am imperfect and flawed.

Sometimes I fail to direct my thoughts to Christ who gives me strength and never leaves me. I rely on my own strength and try to control circumstances rather than laying my burdens down.

How easy it is to forget that I am not alone.

After a night of restless sleep, I did wake up the next morning feeling somewhat better about attending. I did feel a sense of renewal but there was still something missing.

I usually have music playing when I get dressed in the morning and the first song in the shuffle que was by Hillsong United "Touch The Sky". I was reminded of something I was not willing to fully surrender which was the burdens that were stealing my peace.

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Like a thump on my stubborn forehead, I was reminded that my life is filled with privileges.

I get to be a mom to two girls that are complicated and beautiful inside and out.

I get to go to work every day with some really wonderful people.

I get to volunteer my time and meet people that I wouldn't ordinarily cross paths with.

I get to be a daughter to the kindest woman I have ever met even if we don't always see eye to eye.

I get to make my own choices each and every day.

I get to go to church on Sunday and cry because our pastor will be leaving us soon.

I get to choose my circle of friends to share memories with even when we agree to disagree.

I get to experience failures because I don't give up easily.

I get to turn off my phone and be still for 3 days.

Okay, I get the message. It's not about my burdens, it's about looking at them as privileges.

Time to pack up this pity party and board the ship.

It's about knowing that in this walk I will never be alone. I am so very thankful that I am reminded of His love.

Psalm 56:11-13
I trust in God; I won’t be afraid. What can anyone do to me? I will fulfill my promises to you, God. I will present thanksgiving offerings to you because you have saved my life from death, saved my feet from stumbling so that I can walk before God in the light of life.

The Year of the Dry Erase Board

What I like about the new year is the fresh start to each year. The first week of 2016 has been a week of personal reflection.

I began to think of the previous year as dry erase board. I would take a long look at the past year, wipe the board clean and begin again.

What would your dry erase board show?

Would you be proud? Would you be embarrassed? Would you want to do better?

I can answer yes to every one of those questions. If I had to stand before a crowd and list off the things on my board, it would be a awkward mix of the good, the bad and the ugly.

To say the good out loud would not bother me one bit but to say the bad and ugly too? I don't know if I could read it in front of a crowd.

You could also think of your year as a reality show. Would you want the cameras and audio to see and capture every minute of the day to be televised for the world to see? It's a frightening thought.

Did I gossip, curse, snicker, tell little white lies, sin, snap at my kids and what about those things that were unintentional? Would I be able to confess it all to a group of peers or for the world to see?

What about people who commit big crimes? Would they be able to honestly say out loud what they did?

Wow this is a true slap in the face dose of reality.

Is what we say in do in public the same thing that we say and do behind closed doors for only God to see?

As I began this new year, it was a time to take a long hard look in the mirror. Did I like what I saw? I'm not talking about my physical appearance. I'm talking beneath the surface to what was inside. Nope. I did not like what I saw at all. There is much room for improvement.

Part of my improvement began a few weeks ago when I was running. Sometimes it is a therapy session between me and the open space.

I can do an ugly cry run. I mean full out sobbing and just getting it all out. I always hope that no one sees or hears me because I'm afraid they will think I am running from something terrible.

Actually, I am running from something terrible. It may be a terrible choice I've made, a terrible day at work, a terrible day as a mom or just an overwhelming, terrible emotion in general.

One day in my ugly cry run, I decided it was a good time to pray. So I ran and I prayed. The next time I prayed for the same thing over and over. The next time I prayed for specific people on our prayer list.

Then I decided to pray for the houses I ran by. I know some people in the neighborhood personally so it was easy to pray specific prayer for them. Those I didn't know were just simply blessed. No matter if I knew them or not, I knew that this day they would receive a prayer they never knew about.

It then evolved into driving. Praying for the cars and people I passed. Praying for homes and businesses along the route.

I'm not saying I do it every time I'm running or driving but it does happen from time to time. Most often, it's when I have other people or situations on my mind.

Think of how many people can be blessed during they year by one simple prayer on any given day!

This year I want my dry erase board to show things I am proud of. At the end of 2016, I want to hesitate before I wipe off the imaginary board. I want to look at it and be able to read out loud my year without hesitation.

I can say that this way of thinking has definitely taught me to really think about the way I live a little closer. Are my words filled with kindness? Do they come from the heart? I pray that in 2016, I can answer yes every single day.

I want this year to be filled with the good not the bad or the ugly. Prayer, praise and thanks is what I want to flood our communities. To heal the broken and uplift the fallen.

Will you be able to read off your year? If not, will you be able to make the improvements necessary to make 2016 a year you will be proud of? Get out your imaginary boards and start working.

Think before you make a decision. Think before you speak. Think before you gossip, Think before you're not honest. Think before you yell at your kids. Is what you are about to do something that the world could see and hear? Would it embarrass you?

I am so thankful for you readers. You keep me inspired enough to continue writing. May your 2016 be your own new beginning.

Galatians 6:7-10
Make no mistake, God is not mocked. A person will harvest what they plant. Those who plant only for their own benefit will harvest devastation from their selfishness, but those who plant for the benefit of the Spirit will harvest eternal life from the Spirit. Let’s not get tired of doing good, because in time we’ll have a harvest if we don’t give up. So then, let’s work for the good of all whenever we have an opportunity, and especially for those in the household of faith.

A Top 10 Look at the New Year

Never, ever have I made a New Year's resolution and kept it. I finally stopped making them a few years ago and I actually felt better about not failing miserably by February.

This year is MY nova initia. Translation from Latin is new beginnings. It is my year of discovering who I really am and leaving the past where it belongs. This IS my New Year's resolution. A new beginning.

I have been fairly open about my struggles with bulimia, infertility, postpartum, domestic abuse and the life of a divorced, single mom. Through all these obstacles, I have fought to face my inner demons and heal through the saving grace of Jesus. I have researched and read until I am exhausted at times just trying to find myself in the seasons of my life.

I have been cramming some inspirational reading into my winter break. It recharges my outlook on life and changes my perspective. It reminds me of a movie I love "Eat, Pray, Love". It's about enjoying life's little pleasures in moderation, praying for forgiveness and healing and ultimately learning how to love and be loved.

For all of you ladies (or men) looking to make a list of New Year's resolutions, why don't you look at what you already have and simply improve on it? Moderation, prayer and love.

Here are a list of the top 10 things I would like improve on in 2016:

1. Health- I have to learn that no amount of exercise will overcome bad eating habits. I need to learn to balance the two. Healthy eating habits that fuel my body and exercise that helps me release all of that negative energy. Your body really is a temple.
2. Beauty- when someone tells you that you are beautiful or compliments you, believe them. Yes, this is one of my hardest obstacles, I promise to work on this.
3. Apologies- you simply don't always need to be sorry. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to be sad, It's okay to be happy. Don't apologize for being you or the feelings you have. They belong to you and no one else. 
4. Acceptance- not everyone will like you or understand you. That's okay. You are not out to please everyone on the earth. Just stay true to yourself but ultimately stay true to God. Yes, you will make mistakes, you will own your choices and you will accept forgiveness if you ask for it.
5. Respect- don't look for the respect of others if you don't respect yourself first. If you don't respect yourself, you do not set the standard of how you expect to be treated. Respect others just as you expect to be respected.
6. Priorities- you make time for the things and people you want. I make time every day for scripture. It's my priority. Also if you are not a priority in someones life, it's time to reevaluate. My church, family and friends know they will always have me in their corner.
7. Relationships- it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Be with the people who make you happy. Period.
8. Body image- it's okay to not be magazine perfect. Airbrushing and enhancing have made women have body envy. Yes, I would like to look better. I also have stretch marks but there was a time in my life when I prayed to be a mom with stretch marks. I earned them and will keep them like a badge of honor.
9. Finances- take charge. I mean learn to manage them correctly. Don't dig a grave of debt trying to keep up and definitely don't go into debt because of the poor credit of your spouse or significant other. This is YOUR credit and/or debt.
10. Confidence- it's time to learn to display confidence. Don't second guess decisions, go with your instinct. Don't cower down, stand tall. Look at yourself the way God sees you. A remarkable person that is loved.

I encourage you to make your own top 10 list. Enhance the woman (or man) that you are and learn a little more about yourself in 2016.

And yes, for all those wondering, I got my first (and only) tattoo. It's on my wrist where I can always be reminded of where I have been and where I am going. Reconciling the past and accepting the future. Nova Initia~New Beginnings.

What Is A Normal Christmas?

I have debated in my mind how I go about writing this post. After much consideration and many prayers, I just came to the conclusion...just say it.

To say the past year has been difficult would be an understatement. I know that there are millions of people out there who are far worse off than I am but for me, this has been the hardest 14 months of my adult life.

I got a divorce and my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

This is not a normal occurrence in my world. At times the life has been sucked right out of me.

The path my life has taken may not be what I planned but I know and I have faith that I will end up where I need to be. This is a bumpy, pot holed filled, curvy, gravel road that will one day end up being smooth pavement.

There is nothing easy about divorce. It sucks. There are emotions that you never imagine until you face the facts and wake up every day to deal with a new set of choices. There are choices that impact you, your family and friends. It was the most terrifying time because my kids were always first on my mind and the choices are not always clear.

My girls and their well being are always the first thing I consider. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be and do my best to set a good example. A Christian single mom who wants nothing more than for these girls to follow Jesus.

I wish I could say that our everyday life is perfect but it's not. I'm a single mom raising two strong willed teenage daughters. We are constantly compromising and learning how to navigate our new life.

Yes, I am human so I stumble and occasionally fall. When I fall there is not other choice but to get back up and try again.

But you know what? I kept going. And going. And going. And going.

I fell hard the day my mom called to say she had inflammatory breast cancer. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was in the middle of my firestorm of life and had to quickly shift gears. How could I juggle all of these life changing events?

I felt bruised, scraped and broken. How do I get up now Lord?

The hardest thing was not being able to fix her. Heck, I couldn't fix my own broken marriage so how was I going to handle this? My dad was always the fixer and since he passed, we have just sort of cruised along. Now it was time to sink or swim and sinking was not an option!

I watched her hair begin to fall out after chemo began. One day she decided she had enough and took out a set of clippers and shaved her hair off.

The day she began to comment about the girls hair being so beautiful, I knew she longed to have her hair back. She donned a wig every day but I'm certain, as a woman, she longs to be able to shampoo and style her own hair.

Then came the surgery and complications. The day I saw her incision, things became very real. Cancer had become our enemy and she was in for a fight.

I cannot imagine all of the emotions that she must go through every day. I know what I experience every day but I am not the one facing cancer. I'm angry, she's angry. I'm frustrated, she's frustrated. My heart breaks for her and I know her heart breaks for me.

My mom is a worry wart but she is also the one of the toughest women I know. She grew up on a farm where hard work was not a choice, it was a way of living. She ran a hay baler and could probably work circles around me if it wasn't for this disease making her weak. As a teenager, I know she took me down in a wrestling move a time or two just to put me in my place.

Under all of this tough exterior you will find the heart of kindness and compassion. It is very evident that she is loved. The family and friends who have helped and prayed for us through the last year can never be thanked enough. If it weren't for them, I don't know how we would have made this journey.

When I look at the legacy that I am passing down to my girls, I pray that they know that whatever the future holds, they have been raised by strong women. That they can face and conquer whatever life brings and the power of prayer is what gets us through. No matter how many times life knocks you down, you don't quit. You smile at the people that encourage you and most of all you smile at the haters.

Yes, there are some days when I have so much on my mind that I feel like I'm actually losing my mind. Unless you have walked a mile in someone's shoes, save the judgment. Treat everyone with kindness and forgive often.

This is not my normal life but it is real and I am very thankful for those who have stuck by my side and supported me during the waves of emotions. Then add my beautiful girls who make me crazy and complete. They all have made me laugh on days when I just wanted to stay in bed and avoid life.

So this Christmas is very different from any of the others. It is not our normal holiday season. We are survivors celebrating in a different season of life. This is a Christmas to look at life a little differently and appreciate what the birth of a baby in Bethlehem meant for all of us.

Luke 2: 10-11
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord"

I am so thankful for all you readers because you inspire me every day to be a better person. You will never know how much your encouragement means to me.

May you all have a blessed Christmas!