Making My Way

"I prayed to the Lord and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4

How are you?

I admit I am going to miss that question a little. It was the first question my counselor would ask as soon as she would see me.

You see, I kind of graduated and I am very proud of that fact. Five months ago, I wasn't sure that day would come but I worked hard and faced every difficult situation with every ounce of determination I could spare.

The question has changed. Who am I now?

It's a question I ask myself several times a week. I know who I am but exactly who am I becoming?

There are days where I am so confident I scare myself. I am bold and fearless and feel like there is nothing that I cannot accomplish. I love those kinds of days.

It seems as if those confident days are followed by days of worry, anxiety and trying my hardest to trust people. I detest those kinds of days. My mom always told me hate was a strong word so I try not to use it but it fits here. I hate those kinds of days.

Those worry filled days that I hate are actually the ones I should be thankful for. Those days are the ones that drive me to my knees asking God to give me faith and be my shelter and shield. Times that I lean on His to be my rock and fortress because I am weak.

I know I am not the person that I was. I have to admit that some days I do worry about the path I am on. Am I enough? Will I stumble? Will I stay the course? Will I wait patiently? Will my dreams become reality?

The future is a scary but exciting thing. For so many years I lost hope in what the future was and now I find myself reprogramming my mind to stay hopeful for what the future has in store for me. Hopeful for what God has in store for me.

One of the best feelings I have is when I share pieces of me with others. Small tokens to let someone know I have thought about them. A text, card, note, gift, or sharing something I cooked are ways I want others to know they matter.

That is who I am. The person who prays every day to show as much love, care, kindness and respect to others as I can.

This reminds me of a recent instance where I felt called to share with someone who needed encouraging.

My oldest daughter was preparing to take her driving test. We practiced, I raised my voice, she protested and we were both frustrated by the time we entered the DPS office.

I was nervous for two reasons. She was either going to fail the test and be devastated or she was going to pass and be ecstatic. Either way meant some fear for the next chapter in our lives. A teenager behind the wheel without her Mom.

As she was taking her driving test, a dad and his daughter were leaving the office. He asked if I was a nervous mom and of course I replied yes. We chatted about his daughter who just failed the parallel parking portion of the test. You could tell by her face that she was upset and it truly broke my heart. As we talked, I told her that tomorrow was another day and she would do much better the next time.

After my daughter returned with a huge smile, I knew that she had passed but my heart was with the girl that had just failed. She needed more than what I had just said to her. It was an undeniable tug to share something with her.

As we left the parking lot, I noticed a car practicing in the parallel parking section. Both my girls asked why I was driving over there and I explained I had to finish something I started.

I rolled down the window and the young girl rolled hers down. I shared with her that she needed to be confident and let the past stay where it belongs. I let her know we had faith that she would pass the next test and if she felt insecure, she just needed to ask Jesus to be with her and take away her fears.

Her dad nodded in the passenger seat as I poured out what was on my heart and she wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek. My ecstatic heart pounded as I drove away and I said silently "Thank you God for pushing me to share."

Who I am becoming cannot be measured. It can only be felt by those who can see what is in my heart.

"We were glad to share not only God’s good news with you but also our very lives because we cared for you so much" 1 Thessalonians 2:8

Part of My Story...I'll Run Until I Finish

I shared this with my church family as I renewed my baptism. This is a glimpse into the story that has shaped me into the person I am today.
The love that I felt after sharing this was overwhelming.
Thank you all for your support and kindness. I am truly blessed.

I know that listening to testimonies can be hard to relate to at times. I pray that no one in this sanctuary ever has to feel so broken that you don't know which direction to move. For some, brokenness is easy to see but with others, you never know what story lies behind the carefully placed smile.

This is part of my story.

I was born on Mother's Day at Fort Sam Houston, San Antonio. I was placed with my adoptive family when I was 16 days old and legally adopted the following year on Groundhog Day. I was baptized as an infant, confirmed into membership and attended church regularly but there was something missing. The church I attended during my childhood wasn't the place where I sought comfort when I needed it or joy when I wanted to celebrate. I was simply a pew dweller.

During my teenage years, I made some really bad choices. My lack of self esteem made it easy for me to punish myself and act in a way that would gain the acceptance of others. What I really needed was to feel the unconditional love of Christ but at the moment it was the furthest thing from my mind.

When I became a young, married adult, the years I struggled with infertility were often spent alone and feeling like I was a disappointment. Words like that you try to forgive but you never forget. I felt that God was punishing me and I was a failure.

I became very good at hiding my emotions. I needed to present myself as the good daughter, the good wife, the good friend, the good employee and the good girl. Most of my friends and family had no clue how turbulent my marriage was and I built a wall out of fear that my secrets would be discovered. I kept trying to hold things together because I took my marriage vows seriously. For better or for worse. I was desperately trying to honor God and not disappoint Him.

I was losing hope year after year and thought this was as good as my life would ever be. I was miserable and too afraid to use my voice. My life was far from what I dreamed of as a little girl. I wasn't confident and courageous enough to put my full trust in God and let Him lead my on the path I needed to follow.

Shortly before we gave our cardboard testimonies last year, things began to click in my mind. It was like a revelation. God wasn't punishing me I simply wasn't following where He was leading me. He was listening to my prayers when he gave me 2 beautiful, healthy daughters who are my beginning, middle and end. They are my future and my legacy.

In October 2014, I decided it was time I listen to God's gentle voice. It was the start of a renewed life which would involve healing and starting over. I would come to accept that I am not a failure. I am a good mother. I am worthy. I am deserving of love. I am important. My life does matter.

I have learned to be still and listen. I pray without ceasing some days. I have learned to accept who I am becoming even if it pushes me out of my comfort zone. I am not worried about pleasing others or what opinions others may have of me because they do not define me. I am who God says I am and He has plans to good things in my life. I want to do good things with my life.

When I came to Pastor Leah and told her about what God has placed on my heart regarding my baptism, I knew I was on the right path. When she gave me a list of scripture options, today's scripture from Jeremiah is one I wrote it in my prayer journal months ago. A friend gave me a birthday card with that scripture not knowing that I read it daily. That verse gives me peace in my heart and soul.

Reaffirming my baptism would be the next step but the hardest part would be stepping out of my comfort zone and giving part of my testimony. Yes, part of it.

There are parts to my story that I am not strong enough to share with the rest of the world at this moment. Letting others see my pain has been very uncomfortable but healing at the same time. I have found the strength to trust my complete story with a very close circle of people who I know will pray for me.

My counselor has helped me process through some very painful events and I know God is with me every step of the way. He always has been.

God always gave me courage and strength when I needed it most. In the past few months, when I felt paralyzed with fear and anxiety, I prayed Psalm 91 many times during some very long nights. I knew I had to trust God and have faith. He would keep us safe and not let anything harm me or my girls. I refused to give up hope.

My bruises and scars are not visible. They are all hidden deep from your view. They are wounds that a band aid cannot fix. The only healing will come from seeking a deeper relationship with God.

I asked God to forgive the sins of my past and I realized He forgave me a long time ago. Now it was time for me to forgive myself and focus on healing.

My life has slowly begun to get back on track. There have been so many times that God revealed His works that I have a hard time keeping track. One example was finding a place to live.

My house was under contract and I was desperately searching for a place to live. Jill Hennig knew about my situation and mentioned that her mom would be moving to Wesley House. Although she planned to move in while her house was being remodeled, she sacrificed her needs for mine. So, a few months ago on a very busy Easter weekend with a bunch of teenagers and a few friends who gave up their Saturday, we moved. It was chaos. It was exhausting. There were many tears shed when Pastor Leah (straight out of the shower) came to bless our new home. It was the first time I had a house that had been blessed and it was a feeling beyond words

That night after everyone left and I was locking up, my oldest daughter met me at the door. I knew I was being led in the right direction when she wrapped her arms around me and said the words I will never forget. "Mom, you are the strongest woman I know and I am very proud of you." WOW!

A few weeks ago when both of my daughters were on Mission Trip, little did I know how our story would come full circle.

My youngest was assigned to Chez Hope, a crisis center for families of domestic abuse. When they returned home, we talked about all the little hand prints on the walls and the people who come there during their life storms. It was then that she realized how our story was similar to those she served and how God provides shelter and comfort to those who need it most.

I want my girls to know that no matter what they do in this life, nothing can separate them from Jesus love. As women, most of us crave love. We give love and we want to receive love. We nurture and we make homes that we fill with our love. Faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love.

In the midst of my storm, my mother was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. Once again, the enemy was trying to test our faith. What the enemy doesn't know is that we have an army of prayer warriors that send up prayers for all of us every day.

It is amazing that God has led so many new faces into my life. Some of the old faces have remained constant but the new ones have shown me the path I would like to travel. A life filled with kindness and love, even to those who have nothing to offer in return. Life really is filled with amazing grace!

I am truly thankful that God has given me these seasons of my life even what seems like the long, dreaded winter. If He hadn't given me these seasons to live through, I don't know that I would be developing a closer relationship with Him.

Jesus shed His blood on the cross to save us. That is a relationship I cannot ignore. My relationship with the Lord has to be first and honored above anything else. This renewed relationship has brought me to a new spring and summer. It is now my time of rebirth and renewal. A hopeful future just as the Prophet Jeremiah wrote:

"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

11 years ago, I found my way to this church and what a blessing it has been.

What has happened to me is not as important as what is happening in me.

I'll share the words to a song I was recently introduced to. It reminds me of the race batons Carolyn Gray gave the confirmation class a few years ago.

"I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
No matter the cost

And I have decided
Determined, I'm committed
That I'll run
Even though at times I may get lost

I'm going to finish my race
I'm going to take my proper place
In the winning circle

I'm going to run anyway
I don't know where or when or how
But I know that I'm going to make it

Oh, I'll run this race
Nestled safely in amazing grace
I've made up my mind and I don't have much time
But I'll run till I finish"

http://www.incourage.me/

Searching for Something Bigger

Waiting in a hospital can give you time to sit and think.

You look around a waiting room full of people and wonder what their story is. Why are they here? Is their friend/loved one worse off than mine? Where are they from? So many questions.

Some wait alone and some are there with crowds of people.

One thing they all have in common is the love for whoever they are waiting for.

One the first day in the waiting room, I was the one who sat with a crowd of people. People who helped pass the time. They made me laugh and they made others around us laugh.

The poor guy who was assigned to search for families to give them updates from surgery had more misses than hits. But we rooted for him. We encouraged him that eventually he would find the family he was searching for.

Isn't that part of who we are? The people who long to be searched for?

Proverbs 2:3-5 "Call out for insight, and cry aloud for understanding. Seek it like silver;
search for it like hidden treasure.Then you will understand the fear of the Lord,
and discover the knowledge of God."

Every day we are given the chance to search for happiness in our day. We interact with people who are searching for happiness. They are the people we are drawn to.

Happy people make happy lives. Happy lives make happy hearts. Happy hearts are filled with love.

On the second day in this waiting room, I sat alone for quite a while. It's not because my friend/loved one was loved less, it simply was not something that was planned.

It gave me a chance to sit and be still. I unplugged from life for a few hours and searched for God.

He never ceases to amaze me.

I was thinking about a friend of mine and praying for them when they called. I was searching and found them right there on the other end of my phone.

On my drive home that evening, I turned my radio off and continued to unplug. My mind needed a rest.

As I made my way to the red light, I noticed a man standing on the corner holding a sign. I was mentally preparing for my car to be stopped next to the man and assumed he was asking for money. I am always reluctant to give money to people standing on street corners.

Today, the sign was different. As I approached, rather than looking the other direction, I stared directly at the sign and read these words:

"God loves you!"

I found what I was searching for right there on a street corner. I desperately needed that reminder and tears began to flow.

Never end your search. We always need to be found when we feel lost. It truly is amazing grace!

1 Chronicles 16:9-11" Sing to God, sing praises to him; dwell on all his wondrous works! Give praise to God’s holy name! Let the hearts rejoice of all those seeking the Lord! Pursue the Lord and his strength; seek his face always!"

http://www.incourage.me/

Band Aids Don't Fix Everything

I remember the day when my oldest daughter was 3 and another little girl pushed her off a toy she was riding on. Big tears flowed and her feelings were genuinely hurt. This was a playmate of hers that she dearly loved but at that time it was confusing to her that someone she cared for could be mean to her.

Toddler minds are wired differently and it took every ounce of strength I could find to not grab the toy back to stop the tears from flowing down my little girls face. It was part of letting her experience hurt from someone she cared about. It was part of life.

The two would apologize within a few short minutes but at that time, her hurt was real. I'm sure her little mind didn't understand how her friend could be mean but being a child, their attention span is short.

By the afternoon, they were laughing and playing like nothing ever happened.

1 Peter 1:6 NLV "With this hope you can be happy even if you need to have sorrow and all kinds of tests for awhile."

We have all experienced these kinds of hurts. Maybe it happens to your child, a family member, friend or to yourself. Maybe you have been the one to hurt someone you never intended to hurt.

We cannot control the actions or words of others but we can control how we react to them.

Sometimes life makes us rushed and in that rush we may act or say things that are not taken the way intended. This is often the case with text and e-mail. Our tone or words may not be received as we planned.

Maybe we cut a phone call short. Maybe we just wave rather than taking 10 seconds to say hello.

In our hurried life, sometimes we don't take the time to make friends and family feel like they matter. If we are going to spread the love of Jesus to those around us, lets make sure that we also include the ones that we care for most. The ones that care for us the most.

We take the time to be kind to strangers because we would like for them to have a positive impression. Do we take the time to give that same kindness to those who are are biggest supporters?

I know I can be guilty of not taking the time to be a good family member or friend. I always know they will understand. But what if that was the last time we see each other again?

I am sure the families and friends left behind after all of these horrible shootings would like to have one more opportunity to tell their family member or friend that they are loved and that they matter.

Life can be rushed, we can get stressed but let's try to be patient and kind with those who we care for most. It can be a minute of your life that can make a difference to someone else.

That 1 extra minute could be priceless. Sometimes our time is better than a band aid.

Colossians 3:13-15 "Try to understand other people. Forgive each other. If you have something against someone, forgive him. That is the way the Lord forgave you.   And to all these things, you must add love. Love holds everything and everybody together and makes all these good things perfect.  Let the peace of Christ have power over your hearts. You were chosen as a part of His body. Always be thankful."

Can We Be Real?

To say that I have been jogging my memory lately would be an understatement. It's more like a marathon than a jog.

I have been creating a timeline of the events that shaped my life. All of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. It's not that I want to do this but more of I need to do this because I want so badly to keep moving forward and trust again.

I remember the time when Martha Stewart was my hero. So was Oprah. They both had these magazine cover lives that I envied. Their lives seemed picture perfect.

Trying my very best, I would imitate things I saw on their shows or in magazines in hopes that this was my golden ticket to a happy life. I made my own compost because Martha did it and it looked so easy! I read Maya Angelou because Oprah said it was the next book for her book club. I made myself crazy trying to create their version of perfection.

The reality was Oprah and Martha had hundreds of people to help them pull off perfection and they were never perfect themselves. Oprah openly discusses her struggles with weight and other issues and Martha went to prison.

The truth was my life was messy. A carefully constructed wall to hide the ugliness. Something makeup and dressy new clothes could not hide.

Colossians 3:13 MSG
So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

I am leaving that version of messiness behind for another version. My own brand of messiness. The path that God has placed in front of me. The kind of messiness that makes memories and make you laugh until your sides hurt. Life that is filled with love.

Perfection is not here on earth.

I live in clutter. I downsized by about 1000 square feet. I have yet to completely unpack because we will be moving again soon. But, you know what? I like it!

Yes, some days it is frustrating to locate things or when you remember that it may be in a box in storage. It's challenging having 3 girls sharing 1 bathroom but we make it work. This is our life now and it's far from being the cover of a magazine. It's real, it's forgiving and it's loving.

I had to learn to let go of picture perfect perfection. It's not who I am and it's not real. Yes, my house needs to be vacuumed daily, there are dog toys everywhere, the girls rooms are a mess and my towels are not perfectly hung on the towel racks but that is who we are. Imperfect.

As soon as I think I have sorted, organized and decluttered, it all mysteriously reappears. A never ending cycle of chaos that has made me very comfortable.

The girls have welcomed more of their friends into our tiny duplex than in any other house we have lived in. I believe it is because we have become so comfortable that it makes others feel comfortable. It's filled with love and free from judgement.

So what if my patio furniture occupies 1/2 of my driveway because I don't have a backyard? It is still my quiet place or the noisy place where kids yell, park their bikes, shoot hoops or drive up and honk just to see if they can scare me. I like it!

I have embraced the fact that life on earth will never be perfect. It is that perfect love of Jesus that I now want to consume me. No fears, just love.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Places In This Momma's Heart

May seems like a month of celebrations. At least it is in my family.

We have many friends and family members celebrating birthdays in May, plus there is Mother's Day and the end of the school year. My oldest daughter and I both have birthdays in May. We jokingly say all good babies are born in May!

You can say last month was a special month in my heart. May is the month I first held a living, breathing child in my arms that I carried and protected for 9 months. Those long months were filled with daily shots and medication that would help me carry this precious baby to term.

During those years of anguish and struggling with infertility I did not rely on The One that never left me. God. Yes, I prayed but I lacked in faith. For many years I felt I was being punished for my past sins. I was terrified God would take away what I prayed for the most.

Recently I was asked to tell about my life achievements. I gave only one. Being a Mom. I am not a perfect mom but I am a mom to 2 lovely girls and I am proud to be called "Mom" or "Momma Kim" by many other kids that I know and love.

I think back to all the years I held so much envy and resentment in my heart toward the women who gushed about being pregnant or the moms who complained over lack of sleep, dirty diapers and spit up. Why couldn't I have all of those things that they complained about? Why was God punishing me?

I had prayed for forgiveness from my past sins so why wasn't God forgiving me?

It wasn't until many years later that I realized two very important things.

First, God doesn't answer prayers on my time line. We are on God's timeline and it wasn't that he was saying "no", he was saying "not yet". 

God knows the life he has planned out for us. He has counted the hairs on our head and he knows what is best for us. Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person's heart but it the Lord's purpose that prevails".
I knew what was in my heart but I had to be patient and wait for my prayers to be answered.

Second, it wasn't God that was punishing me. I had asked for forgiveness and He had forgiven me the moment I lay my burdens down years ago. I was punishing myself. I was listening to all the things Satan had filled my head with and it was time I realized that God's word is the truth. It was time I regained my spiritual life and start over with a new perspective.

Embracing this fresh new start is an example of the many times God is working behind the scenes to keep me on the path He is laying in front of me.

I know in my heart God placed these precious children in my life at the time when I needed them the most. He knows what I need and when I need it.

Looking back in my prayer journal, I remebered the first time I went to pray at another local church. I had been struggling emotionally and it seemed as if I was sliding back into a pit where I had struggled for so long to dig myself out of. There was a precious little girl in the church that day and as I said hello to her though the tears in my eyes, she knew exactly what I needed. Love.

She climbed up in my lap and gave me the biggest and most honest hug at a time when I felt very broken. I know God sent me to that church that day and put that little girl there because that was exactly what I needed at the time. I kissed her on the head and told her she had just made my day.

Sometimes this Momma heart gives all the love she can to everyone around but at times, this heart just needs to be refilled with all the love God can give. Just when I need it the most.

1 John 3:20

Even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I like lemons. I like lemon flavored things in the spring and summer. Lemon cake, lemonade, lemon pie, lemon chill and the tea I make that is half lemonade/half tea.

Lemons by themselves can taste bitter or sour.

Some days, life can be bitter or sour. There are some days I am very bitter but I put on my brave face and face the world. My bitterness is tucked away like dirt swept under the rug. No one wants to see a bitter person.

During those days when life seems to be handing me a bag of lemons, I turn to one of my favorite scriptures from Joshua 1.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go"

How can I remain bitter when God is with me? I know I can be strong and courageous but some days I just want to be bitter. This is the Enemy getting into my thoughts. He is trying to bring the thoughts back into my mind that I am unworthy and disposable.

For many months, I have been working on regaining my self esteem and confidence. I look back at my prayer journal on days when I feel bitter and see how far I have come in 6 months. Then I become proud of how many steps forward I have taken. It is so easy to let the Enemy take over my thoughts if I am not careful and take steps backwards.

On a recent visit with my counselor, she planned a session to work on my lack of self esteem. I sat there and said silently "Dear God, help me". He did. I struggled at times and wept as I tried to find the words to explain what my drawing of a tree meant. I looked up a few times to see tears in her eyes as she sat and watched me struggle through some difficult emotions. She was giving me the grace that I needed to make me not feel judged and the compassion I needed to work through that exercise. In the end, she asked about the trunk of my tree. I confidently stated that the trunk was stable and strong. That was me! Stable and strong, able to withstand hurricane force winds.

If you can sympathize with the struggles, I urge you to look up a Bible Study called "Your Life Still Counts: How God Uses Your Past To Create A Beautiful Future" by Tracie Miles. There has not been one chapter that hasn't reduced me to a puddle of tears. It is so difficult some days to see myself as a beloved daughter of God.

I have to remind myself that healing does not happen overnight. It is a gradual process. I take baby steps so that I don't feel like I am a failure which makes me take a step back. I refuse to take a step back so I remain steady on my path to a beautiful future filled with peace, hope and love.

I have so much love and kindness to give to others and it excites me to see that part of my future. I love to help others even when they have nothing to offer in return. That is what makes my heart full.

There is no better feeling in the world to feel accepted and loved. The innocence of a child come to mind. They are not bitter. They are happy, laugh, run and have no worries. They sleep at night because they trust.

During Lent, my church gave out red stones to symbolize the blood that was shed for us. I gave one away to someone who helped me on a day when I felt unworthy and disposable to remind them that Jesus loves them too. I replaced the one I gave away and sometimes I get it out of my purse and simply touch it to remind me that I am loved.

The next time bitterness tries to creep into your mind,  be aware that it is the Enemy at work and fall into the words of God that speak the truth.

You are worthy. You are loved. You have a purpose.

"Finally, let's draw near to the throne of favor with confidence so that we can receive mercy and find grace when we need help" Hebrews 4:16

http://www.incourage.me/