We have many friends and family members celebrating birthdays in May, plus there is Mother's Day and the end of the school year. My oldest daughter and I both have birthdays in May. We jokingly say all good babies are born in May!
You can say last month was a special month in my heart. May is the month I first held a living, breathing child in my arms that I carried and protected for 9 months. Those long months were filled with daily shots and medication that would help me carry this precious baby to term.
During those years of anguish and struggling with infertility I did not rely on The One that never left me. God. Yes, I prayed but I lacked in faith. For many years I felt I was being punished for my past sins. I was terrified God would take away what I prayed for the most.
Recently I was asked to tell about my life achievements. I gave only one. Being a Mom. I am not a perfect mom but I am a mom to 2 lovely girls and I am proud to be called "Mom" or "Momma Kim" by many other kids that I know and love.
I think back to all the years I held so much envy and resentment in my heart toward the women who gushed about being pregnant or the moms who complained over lack of sleep, dirty diapers and spit up. Why couldn't I have all of those things that they complained about? Why was God punishing me?
I had prayed for forgiveness from my past sins so why wasn't God forgiving me?
It wasn't until many years later that I realized two very important things.
First, God doesn't answer prayers on my time line. We are on God's timeline and it wasn't that he was saying "no", he was saying "not yet".
God knows the life he has planned out for us. He has counted the hairs on our head and he knows what is best for us. Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a person's heart but it the Lord's purpose that prevails".
I knew what was in my heart but I had to be patient and wait for my prayers to be answered.
Second, it wasn't God that was punishing me. I had asked for forgiveness and He had forgiven me the moment I lay my burdens down years ago. I was punishing myself. I was listening to all the things Satan had filled my head with and it was time I realized that God's word is the truth. It was time I regained my spiritual life and start over with a new perspective.
Embracing this fresh new start is an example of the many times God is working behind the scenes to keep me on the path He is laying in front of me.
I know in my heart God placed these precious children in my life at the time when I needed them the most. He knows what I need and when I need it.
Looking back in my prayer journal, I remebered the first time I went to pray at another local church. I had been struggling emotionally and it seemed as if I was sliding back into a pit where I had struggled for so long to dig myself out of. There was a precious little girl in the church that day and as I said hello to her though the tears in my eyes, she knew exactly what I needed. Love.
She climbed up in my lap and gave me the biggest and most honest hug at a time when I felt very broken. I know God sent me to that church that day and put that little girl there because that was exactly what I needed at the time. I kissed her on the head and told her she had just made my day.
Sometimes this Momma heart gives all the love she can to everyone around but at times, this heart just needs to be refilled with all the love God can give. Just when I need it the most.
1 John 3:20
Even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.
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