It's Not You, It's Me

Recently I was asked to talk to a group of teenage girls about my experiences with college and the struggles I have gone through after making a series of really bad choices. You can read all about it in my prior post "Assembly Instructions Not Included".

I realized later that evening that I didn't touch on one of the most important factors that led me down that path in my final years of high school and early years of college. Friendships.

Now what I'm about to say fits me and is not a one size fits all scenario. I often tell my own daughters that the choices we make regarding friendships effects the life choices we make as well. Our friends often influence the decisions we make. I'll dive in a little deeper here.

I was the type of person who had (and still has) a wide circle of friends but only a few that I would trust with confidential information. Often, I will confide certain information to specific friends. I was burned by so many friendships years ago that I have learned from those mistakes and realized that certain people can be trusted with certain information.

In my teenage years, I had both close girlfriends and guy friends. Most of the time I could trust the guys with more information than I could the girls. However, this was an area I learned to approach with caution. You see, as much as I would consider a guy my close friend, some would read other signals that I was unaware of. Those friendships never developed and with good cause. It is very difficult to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex without one of the two developing feelings of more than the simple friendship.

For example. My freshman year in high school, I was befriended by a guy I was in band with. He was a cool upperclassman and we both liked the same kind of music and shared lots of laughs together. We didn't hang out much outside of school but on occasion we would. He came over to my house a few times and watched movies or listened to music. This friendship lasted the majority of my freshman year but I realized one night that he felt a little stronger than I did. This caused a strain on our friendship and it eventually dissolved.

It wasn't until after that friendship dissolved that I realized he never liked any of the guys that showed interest in me. I gave up a couple of dates because of it. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, he wanted to manipulate me so I wouldn't be interested in anyone else. I've never spoken to him in the years since either. Live and learn.

The common ground between my girlfriends and guy friends that I had to realize is that some viewed me as a tool. I was a person they could manipulate or coerce into doing or thinking a certain way rather than respecting me to use my own thoughts or decisions. I easily followed along with the crowd because I was a bit of an introvert. I just wanted to blend in. Hence some really bad choices but also few good ones.

This specific point is something I have tried to discuss with my daughters and their friends in recent years. It is not a wise choice to let your friends have that much influence over your life. You need to be independent, critical thinkers that examine what is best for you without the fear of being "left out". Social media is a very useful tool go make this point valid.

Most kids and adults are using some type of social media daily. For example, pictures posted on Instagram. Kids will often scroll thought the pictures without reading the comments unless it's something that grabs their attention. Adults will read the comments more often than the kids will. You can have a picture of a cute kitten but the comment could be something that comes from a place of suffering. Kids will "like" the picture without reading the comments but the adults will generally read the comment and perhaps not "like" the picture due to the nature of the comment.

Now take that one step further.

Kids can post a selfie and gain 100 likes. The same kid can post a pic of them with a boyfriend or girlfriend, tag the other person and gain 120 likes. Why is all of this relevant?

Social media puts it all into black and white. The selfie gains your own specific friends. The pic with a friend gains your friends but some of those friends will not like the other person in the picture, thus the number of likes can be smaller.

If you don't believe me, do your own research on using your own social media pages or those of your kids. It's very easy to see which of their friends approve or disapprove. I can always spot the pattern quickly and easily. 9 out of 10 times, I am right.

This is my way of getting my point across to my kids at times. Influence. The people who you consider to be your friends may not like or approve of other people that enter your life. Is it because they have your best interest at heart or is it because they are selfish and don't want to share you with anyone else?

If there would have been social media back in my teenage days, it would have been very simple for me to realize certain things before I wasted time and energy learning lessons the hard way where friendships were concerned.

These lessons did help me develop into who I am today but I had some very tough ones to learn. I spent quite a few years doing a lot of soul searching to figure out that there wasn't anything wrong with some of my choices in friends, it was me. They simply were not a good fit for me.

Have you ever watched "The Wizard of Oz"? Dorothy and her entourage are instructed to follow a road in search of the magical Land of Oz where they can be given what they are searching for. The truth is, they had what they needed all along...a brain, heart and courage. These are all free gifts you have been given. Use them.

Life can damage us. The good thing is, we are all capable of being mended...and grateful for those marks that let us know we survived.

Assembly Instructions Not Included

I am heading to my college campus today which is about an hour and a half drive from home. Thank goodness for online classes! It has spared me hours on the road and the humilitaion of sitting in a traditional classroom with classmates that are young enough to be my own kids.

You see, I am the poster child for not knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

My junior year of high school, I was wrapped up in a boyfriend who I devoted my attention to for an entire year. After our breakup at the beginning of my senior year, I let him string me along for 2 years until I finally made the decision that it was not healthy for me to continue letting him back into my life.

College was the furthest thing from my mind. I was young, carefree and having fun with a heavy emphasis on fun. I really, really, really wanted to go to cosmetology school and become a hairstylist. I love anything that has to do with beauty which is evident today if you walk into my bathroom. It's almost an addiction.

The fact that I wanted to be a hairstylest did not set well with my mother. She was dead set against it. Period. End of discussion. My aunt was a beautician and my mother would always remind me that it wasn't steady income, you stood on your feet all day and my aunt was experiencing trouble with her shoulders from holding her arms up all day.

We went through all of the testing in high school that tells you what career path you should choose based on how you answered the questions. Every single test came back with hairstylist as the top 3 career choices along with nursing. Those test results never swayed my mothers decision. Cosmetology school was not an option.

In the fall after graduation, I enrolled in our local junior college to begin my basics. I really had no desire at all to be there. A friend of mine was sort of stuck in the same place as I was except she was supposed to room with another classmate from our graduting class that suddenly decided she was going to ditch college and get married. So, here we were attending the local college together and we didn't escape town with the majority of our friends.

My friend made the transition the next semester to the college that I am now enrolled in. At that time I decided that if I couldn't go to cosmetology school, the next best thing was A&M. I grew up in a family of Aggies and I was a fan so I would just hang in there until I could transition there the next fall.

I would often go visit my friend who was now living in a dorm on her campus. I would leave home after I would get off work from the part time job I had and drive that hour and a half to Stephenville to meet up with her and her new friends that she had met. That's where I got my taste of what it was like to be away from home.

I would end up making many drives up there to hang out with her, stay over in her dorm and get up at 6:30 AM to drive back home and make my 8 AM class. The word ratchet wasn't used yet but you can imagine what I looked like dragging into class those mornings.

My grades suffered as a result. That sememster was horrible for my GPA. To be honest, I really didn't care because it wasn't what I wanted to do anyway. I either wanted to be a hairstylist or go to A&M with my guy friends.

During this time I met the guy who would eventually become my husband. I will save that portion of the story for another post. It is another spin on confusion at college.

Needless to say, I eventally dropped out of college and went to work full time not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Over the course of the next 25 years, I have changed my major 3 times and accumulated a lot of hours that have yet to put together a degree.

A couple of years ago, I started giving the idea of actually finishing a degree a thought. I just kept nagging at me until last year when I took the leap and decided to try adding a couple of courses that semester to get back into the mindset of a college student.

Today, I will drive up to my campus to make sure that I am on target to graduate in December of this year. Wow! I can't believe that in 11 months I will finally finish.

If I have one word of advice to give to college bound kids that are not sure of what they want to do, don't hesitate. Get enrolled and keep focused. I want my girls to experience life on their terms. I will guide them and mentor them but what they want to do when they grow up needs to be their decision.

Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go. If you don't focus on yourself, no one else will. This is time to invest in YOU. Don't let your friends have influence over what is best for YOU. I let that happen way too many times.

Sometimes, the person you think is your friend or even bestfriend, may not have YOUR best interests at heart. They want you to do things that will also benefit them in the process. It took me too long to figure that out myself. Sometimes you need to unplug from everything and everyone to think things through to make a decision that is good for you and only you.

Yes, there will be days when you will be confused about the whole process of becoming an adult but if you stay focused, follow your heart and listen to those small words God whispers, you will find your way. Do not make quick decisions. Take the time to process things. Sometimes your emotions will lead you to make a decision or take action that you will later regret. Emotions can be powerful but use them to your advantage you will save yourself the heartache of "shooting from the hip". I wish I would have known that 25+ years ago.

It is not easy growing up. It takes hard work and determination. No one is going to hand it to you. You may try to rebel against the whole process but it will happen. You will grow up. You will be responsible. You will make choices, some bad and some good. But, let them be YOUR choices.

I always remind my girls and their friends, when you think you have no one to turn to or that no one understands what you are going through, you are wrong. I have been there and if they ever need someone who will not be judgemental and will not choose sides, they can always come to me.

I wish I would have had someone to talk to when I was growing up that didn't try to sound like my parents and would actually listen to what I was saying. You see my life didn't come with assembly instructions. It was up to me to figure out on my own.

So, three cheers to my college degree that is on the horizon! It has been a long, bumpy ride.

Love In the Valley

Have you ever experienced something at just the right time in your life? My girls and I refer to these as "God Stops" (it's a Beth Moore thing).

Sometimes you run into someone who needs help opening a door or a parking space that just opened up just as you are about to drive past. Maybe it's the accident that occurred a mile ahead because your kids forgot something just as you were leaving the house and it caused you to be 2 minutes later.

Today was one of those days that stopped me. I was leaving work and the next thing I know, I pulled into the port-cochere at our church. Why? I needed a recharge. The Prayer Room at our church has been a safe haven for me over the past few months. It's is a peaceful room that allows me to disconnect with everything around. I can pour my soul out for a few undisturbed minutes. So, that is exactly what I did. I poured out my soul to the one person who loves me when I feel like I'm not deserving.

As I left to head to a meeting, I felt better. Peaceful.

When I walked into my meeting, I was again struck by another God Stop. If you have never met Carolyn Gray, you are missing something special. She has been my mentor since she asked me to help her with the junior high class about 4 years ago. I have never had someone like her who comes along at the right time, every time.

She was there for me when we made the decision to put my Dad on hospice and let him go peacefully. When things seem to be falling apart around me, I run into Carolyn. It's almost as if she is my guardian angel on earth.

Carolyn has been a blessing to my girls as well. She has loved and prayed for them at their best and at their worst. When they need something, they can always ask Mrs. Carolyn. She can make them feel better in an instant. It's like she has super powers.

The past few days, I have been drowning. Either in my own self pity or steady stream of tears. To the outsider, no one notices anything different. No one wants to meet Debbie Downer so I have become a master of illusion.

My own children have rarely seen me become emotional but they have definitely seen the ugly side of me for the past few months.

A week before Thanksgiving, I had a partial hysterectomy. I have suffered with "female" issues since I was 16 and it was long overdue. I'm not exactly sure why but this has triggered a hailstorm of emotions to pour out. I cry over the slightest things and it is really beginning to make me angry that I do not have control over my emotions.

It's very similar to the postpartum I experienced after Em was born. I made the decision to have a tubal since I had so many issues with carrying a baby and did not care to go through another pregnancy. It was the finality that I would never give life to another child that truly took a toll on me.

I had struggled and fought for so many years to have a baby and now I saying "enough". It disturbed every female emotion that tells us we are to "be fruitful and multiply".

My OB/GYN that has been with me for every step in my struggles to conceive has seen me at my best and at my worst. He knows my strength and my weaknesses but assured me that I would work through this latest struggle in given time. I trust when he says this emotional wreckage will eventually disappear.

This is where Carolyn comes back into the story.

Carolyn suppressed her emotion for so long that it took a toll on her mental health. I will not go into detail about her story because she has her own blog called "His Grace Flows" in which she discusses her struggles.

She often talks of love and acceptance and grace to various churches or clubs. She just has that knack to instantly make someone feel better.

Today, that was her message. It's no ones business what you may have done wrong. We are only to love on another without passing judgment. Love can be the light in our darkness. A simple smile can change the course of one persons day.

So, today I am reminded that even though I may feel angry, hurt, confused, resentful or ashamed, I am here to love someone. I am here to give someone a smile even though it may be the last thing I want to do. Someone else may be going through a more difficult time than I am and need the love that only a smile can give.

You see, today I was shown that my veil of illusion may not be an illusion. It may be my way of showing love when I feel like I am walking in the Valley of Death.

Perhaps my emotions and illusion have actually helped someone at sometime. Maybe it shows my daughters that it is okay to show your emotions and face them. Maybe it shows them that even when you feel your worst, a simple smile can light a dark tunnel for someone else.

Thank you Carolyn for never failing to help me see things from a different perspective. I think we all have searched for love during our darkest times.

Prayers for My Daughters

I have written this post in my head many times but never typed it. As I sat up the majority of the night, it came time to begin this post.

Through all of my infertility and miscarriages, I prayed that I would be a mother. I have been given that precious gift twice, and I often don't take the time to thank God for what he has given to me.

I always knew I was destined to be the mom of a girl. I'm just that type of person and I can relate to them. Little did I know what a difficult task this was going to be. Just as I became a secure adult, I would again dive in to the world of an uncertain teenager. I will state again, my girls did not come with an owners manual so I am doing the best I can!

My oldest we refer to as the "spirited" one. For those who know her, you know exactly what I am talking about. Now that she is in high school, I am begining to change her discription to "passionate spirit". She is so full of life and wants to believe that everyone has the best, most honest intentions. With that in mind, the choices she has made have not always been great but I do my best to let her be responsible for her choices and try to mentor her and guide her along the path.

It does not always work out for the best. In her short life of experiences with boys, she has suffered extreme heartbreak as much as happiness. How do I get her to believe that it will not always be this way? Studies show that if you recieve 20 compliments and 1 hurtful statement, you will remember the hurtful statement before you remember the 20 compliments. Am I guilty of this way of thinking? Absolutely, however, I am a work in progress and those thoughts are diminishing daily.

For a mother, it is so hard to let them hurt and not be able to fix them. There have been times when I exercise every ounce of self control I can get. How will she know that not all boys/men will lie to her, cheat on her, belittle her in front of a crowd, threaten her with bodily injury or spread untrue hurtful gossip about her? How will she be happy when that one boy/man enters her life that will be honest with her, love her beyond measure and treat her like a queen and not have her second guess his intentions? How will she know that she can accept love without conditions or limits?

As I sat up for hours last night listening to sobs come from her room, after the quiet came in the middle of the night, I found myself quietly getting into her bed just to listen to her breathe. I did this night after night when she was a baby. I was so scared that something would happen to her that I just needed to hear her sleeping, soothing breath. Waves of emotion filled me. This baby was now a teenager and her breathing was now different.

I began to pour out my emotion into this post. I know other mothers have come before me and others will come after me, and as I have said time and time again, my purpose for beginning this blog was to heal my own hurt and help someone else in the process.

Here are my prayers for my daughters:

I pray my daughters will recognize her own feelings and be compassionate towards the feelings of others.

I pray that they will be kind and compassionate but use their voice when needed. Don't be afraid to speak up when they are being treated unfairly.

I pray that they will form their own opinions of the world and life and not rely on the opinions of others.

I pray that they know that they are of worth. They are valued and they should be treated that way.

I pray that some day they find a man that will love and value them. That they take the time to know their needs, emotions and will love them unconditionally.

I pray they never lose their own self respect. If they don't respect themselves, it's difficult to expect respect from others.

I pray that they remain loyal to family and friends. That they make new friends in life but still remember the old ones. Family & friends are the one thing that you will need in the darkest days. Some will stay and some will fade.

I pray that one day, if they choose to have children of their own, they will know what the purest of love is. Then and only then do you know that all of the things that I did, it came from love.

I pray that they will always remember that nothing they do could be bad enough to be unforgiven. There may be disappointments but they will always have my love.

I pray that they will know that I can be their accountability partner, mentor and biggest fan. They can confide anything in me and I will give them my honest opinion.

To all the mothers that read this, you may agree or disagree but in this day, in this moment, I am truly thankful for the blessings of two beautiful daughters that have my heart in their hands.

A Womans Strength...

December 6^th, 1996. Worst. Day. Ever. I was sitting in my OBGYN’s office waiting for what seemed like eternity. He was not going to deliver this baby since he had retired but he happened to be in the office on this Friday when I started spotting. He finally prepped me and the ultrasound for a look at what was supposed to be an 8 week old fetus. After several minutes, he got up and walked over and grabbed my hand. He is one of the sweetest doctors I have ever met and he just looked at me with these caring eyes and told me that there was no heartbeat. My eyes filled with tears but I didn’t burst into tears. Kim Leech does not break down in public!

He told me that he was calling over to the radiology department of the hospital to have a sonogram and we could walk over and they would be waiting for me. I remember that walk that seemed like 10 miles through the underground tunnel over to the main hospital building. Neither my husband nor I spoke one word to each other. Neither of us knew what to say and I think we were both afraid of crying. The hospital radiologist confirmed there was no heartbeat so we proceeded to walk back through the 10 mile tunnel to his office.

We scheduled a D&C for the following morning which was a Saturday. He normally doesn’t schedule things like that but he said he didn’t want me to wait until Monday and thought it would be easier on me if we did the procedure ASAP. What I wasn’t thinking of at the time was December 7^th is my husband’s birthday. As the doctor and his nurse stepped out of the room to get things scheduled, I finally spoke.

I told him that I was so sorry I had let him down and I didn’t know what to do. See, I felt like I always needed to please other people. 

After telling my parents and my husband calling his parents, we settled in for a really long night. I don’t recall sleeping much as I wasn’t really sure what was going to take place the following morning other than the fact that I would no longer be a mom. It was like the Olympics just stripped me of my medal. I felt like I was absolutely nothing. Worthless. I couldn’t even carry a baby, so what use was I to this earth?

The next morning we were at the hospital before 7 am and we were taken back to a surgical prep area. I had my IV, lovely backless gown, and hoo-ha prepped for the procedure. After they gave me the night, night juice I thought I had been asleep for at least 24 hours only to have the recovery nurse tell me it had only been 30 minutes since they put me under. Wow! That was quick.

There was a guy on the other side of the curtain and they were trying to wake him up. They kept saying “Steve, Steve, we need for you to wake up”. This went on for probably a couple of minutes when another nurse walked by and into the curtain where “Steve” was. As they were saying his name again she says, “His name isn’t Steve, it’s Greg”. Well, no wonder the guy kept sleeping!!!! Duh.

My mom spent the day with us and my dad checked in periodically. My dad was a very kind, gentle person. He looked very stoic and stern but he was far from that (unless it involved a 16 year old daughter that had broken curfew or sassed her mom one too many times). It wasn’t until a few years before his death that my mom said that they night we told them I had a miscarriage, he went into his shed (beer fridge was there) later that evening. She heard a peculiar noise later and when she went to investigate, he had literally broken down. He never spoke of that miscarriage or the one that followed.

I know my story isn’t the same as others that have been through infertility and miscarriage as we are all different women with different stories to tell. This is why it has bothered me when someone says “I know how you feel”. I’m sure they are trying to say something comforting but none of us knows how another person feels. Yes, we can sympathize but no one knows how or what I am feeling.

I really felt like this was my punishment for doing sinful things over the years. What I didn’t realize is that this very dark time would mold me into the person I am today. I wish everyday were filled with flowers and happiness and fairies (not really the fairies, they creep me out) but this is life and it’s real and some days it really sucks.

The night of my D&C, I had the most vivid dreamlike encounter. It was the most angelic face of a small child with curly blondish hair that got closer and closer to me. It was almost as if they were trying to kiss or hug me. I was very frightened at first but then it was like they backed away from me at lightning speed and I felt this sense of calm and peace come over me. To this day, I strongly believe this was its way of saying “Goodbye, I’ll be okay”. Yes, I was depressed and horrible for months, heck years after this but I never worried about that baby nor the other baby.

After all of these years, all of the pain, all of the happiness, I’m still here. I think women are given far deeper emotions to deal with as we are like the mighty Oak.  We stand tall, protect those under our branches and by God, we have strength. Maybe we are also like a Palm Tree. We bend under the force of hurricane winds but when those winds subside, we stand tall. That is why women are strong.

Easter 2008

Here’s to all my strong women that have weathered many storms and will continue to weather those storms!