Love In the Valley

Have you ever experienced something at just the right time in your life? My girls and I refer to these as "God Stops" (it's a Beth Moore thing).

Sometimes you run into someone who needs help opening a door or a parking space that just opened up just as you are about to drive past. Maybe it's the accident that occurred a mile ahead because your kids forgot something just as you were leaving the house and it caused you to be 2 minutes later.

Today was one of those days that stopped me. I was leaving work and the next thing I know, I pulled into the port-cochere at our church. Why? I needed a recharge. The Prayer Room at our church has been a safe haven for me over the past few months. It's is a peaceful room that allows me to disconnect with everything around. I can pour my soul out for a few undisturbed minutes. So, that is exactly what I did. I poured out my soul to the one person who loves me when I feel like I'm not deserving.

As I left to head to a meeting, I felt better. Peaceful.

When I walked into my meeting, I was again struck by another God Stop. If you have never met Carolyn Gray, you are missing something special. She has been my mentor since she asked me to help her with the junior high class about 4 years ago. I have never had someone like her who comes along at the right time, every time.

She was there for me when we made the decision to put my Dad on hospice and let him go peacefully. When things seem to be falling apart around me, I run into Carolyn. It's almost as if she is my guardian angel on earth.

Carolyn has been a blessing to my girls as well. She has loved and prayed for them at their best and at their worst. When they need something, they can always ask Mrs. Carolyn. She can make them feel better in an instant. It's like she has super powers.

The past few days, I have been drowning. Either in my own self pity or steady stream of tears. To the outsider, no one notices anything different. No one wants to meet Debbie Downer so I have become a master of illusion.

My own children have rarely seen me become emotional but they have definitely seen the ugly side of me for the past few months.

A week before Thanksgiving, I had a partial hysterectomy. I have suffered with "female" issues since I was 16 and it was long overdue. I'm not exactly sure why but this has triggered a hailstorm of emotions to pour out. I cry over the slightest things and it is really beginning to make me angry that I do not have control over my emotions.

It's very similar to the postpartum I experienced after Em was born. I made the decision to have a tubal since I had so many issues with carrying a baby and did not care to go through another pregnancy. It was the finality that I would never give life to another child that truly took a toll on me.

I had struggled and fought for so many years to have a baby and now I saying "enough". It disturbed every female emotion that tells us we are to "be fruitful and multiply".

My OB/GYN that has been with me for every step in my struggles to conceive has seen me at my best and at my worst. He knows my strength and my weaknesses but assured me that I would work through this latest struggle in given time. I trust when he says this emotional wreckage will eventually disappear.

This is where Carolyn comes back into the story.

Carolyn suppressed her emotion for so long that it took a toll on her mental health. I will not go into detail about her story because she has her own blog called "His Grace Flows" in which she discusses her struggles.

She often talks of love and acceptance and grace to various churches or clubs. She just has that knack to instantly make someone feel better.

Today, that was her message. It's no ones business what you may have done wrong. We are only to love on another without passing judgment. Love can be the light in our darkness. A simple smile can change the course of one persons day.

So, today I am reminded that even though I may feel angry, hurt, confused, resentful or ashamed, I am here to love someone. I am here to give someone a smile even though it may be the last thing I want to do. Someone else may be going through a more difficult time than I am and need the love that only a smile can give.

You see, today I was shown that my veil of illusion may not be an illusion. It may be my way of showing love when I feel like I am walking in the Valley of Death.

Perhaps my emotions and illusion have actually helped someone at sometime. Maybe it shows my daughters that it is okay to show your emotions and face them. Maybe it shows them that even when you feel your worst, a simple smile can light a dark tunnel for someone else.

Thank you Carolyn for never failing to help me see things from a different perspective. I think we all have searched for love during our darkest times.