It's Not You, It's Me

Recently I was asked to talk to a group of teenage girls about my experiences with college and the struggles I have gone through after making a series of really bad choices. You can read all about it in my prior post "Assembly Instructions Not Included".

I realized later that evening that I didn't touch on one of the most important factors that led me down that path in my final years of high school and early years of college. Friendships.

Now what I'm about to say fits me and is not a one size fits all scenario. I often tell my own daughters that the choices we make regarding friendships effects the life choices we make as well. Our friends often influence the decisions we make. I'll dive in a little deeper here.

I was the type of person who had (and still has) a wide circle of friends but only a few that I would trust with confidential information. Often, I will confide certain information to specific friends. I was burned by so many friendships years ago that I have learned from those mistakes and realized that certain people can be trusted with certain information.

In my teenage years, I had both close girlfriends and guy friends. Most of the time I could trust the guys with more information than I could the girls. However, this was an area I learned to approach with caution. You see, as much as I would consider a guy my close friend, some would read other signals that I was unaware of. Those friendships never developed and with good cause. It is very difficult to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex without one of the two developing feelings of more than the simple friendship.

For example. My freshman year in high school, I was befriended by a guy I was in band with. He was a cool upperclassman and we both liked the same kind of music and shared lots of laughs together. We didn't hang out much outside of school but on occasion we would. He came over to my house a few times and watched movies or listened to music. This friendship lasted the majority of my freshman year but I realized one night that he felt a little stronger than I did. This caused a strain on our friendship and it eventually dissolved.

It wasn't until after that friendship dissolved that I realized he never liked any of the guys that showed interest in me. I gave up a couple of dates because of it. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, he wanted to manipulate me so I wouldn't be interested in anyone else. I've never spoken to him in the years since either. Live and learn.

The common ground between my girlfriends and guy friends that I had to realize is that some viewed me as a tool. I was a person they could manipulate or coerce into doing or thinking a certain way rather than respecting me to use my own thoughts or decisions. I easily followed along with the crowd because I was a bit of an introvert. I just wanted to blend in. Hence some really bad choices but also few good ones.

This specific point is something I have tried to discuss with my daughters and their friends in recent years. It is not a wise choice to let your friends have that much influence over your life. You need to be independent, critical thinkers that examine what is best for you without the fear of being "left out". Social media is a very useful tool go make this point valid.

Most kids and adults are using some type of social media daily. For example, pictures posted on Instagram. Kids will often scroll thought the pictures without reading the comments unless it's something that grabs their attention. Adults will read the comments more often than the kids will. You can have a picture of a cute kitten but the comment could be something that comes from a place of suffering. Kids will "like" the picture without reading the comments but the adults will generally read the comment and perhaps not "like" the picture due to the nature of the comment.

Now take that one step further.

Kids can post a selfie and gain 100 likes. The same kid can post a pic of them with a boyfriend or girlfriend, tag the other person and gain 120 likes. Why is all of this relevant?

Social media puts it all into black and white. The selfie gains your own specific friends. The pic with a friend gains your friends but some of those friends will not like the other person in the picture, thus the number of likes can be smaller.

If you don't believe me, do your own research on using your own social media pages or those of your kids. It's very easy to see which of their friends approve or disapprove. I can always spot the pattern quickly and easily. 9 out of 10 times, I am right.

This is my way of getting my point across to my kids at times. Influence. The people who you consider to be your friends may not like or approve of other people that enter your life. Is it because they have your best interest at heart or is it because they are selfish and don't want to share you with anyone else?

If there would have been social media back in my teenage days, it would have been very simple for me to realize certain things before I wasted time and energy learning lessons the hard way where friendships were concerned.

These lessons did help me develop into who I am today but I had some very tough ones to learn. I spent quite a few years doing a lot of soul searching to figure out that there wasn't anything wrong with some of my choices in friends, it was me. They simply were not a good fit for me.

Have you ever watched "The Wizard of Oz"? Dorothy and her entourage are instructed to follow a road in search of the magical Land of Oz where they can be given what they are searching for. The truth is, they had what they needed all along...a brain, heart and courage. These are all free gifts you have been given. Use them.

Life can damage us. The good thing is, we are all capable of being mended...and grateful for those marks that let us know we survived.