Hey there gang, it's been a while.
I have received a few messages about my lack of blogging and here is the short version...
Nothing has motivated me to blog. Until now.
2017 has hit me with so many changes. After 20+ years with the same employer I left in search of something new that would ignite the spark I was losing. In January I began a new chapter with some really great coworkers about an hour and a half from my hometown.
I desperately needed something new and this was the perfect fit for me. What no one ever told me was how hard it would really be.
The commute had me leaving at 6:30 am and not returning home until 7 pm most evenings. I felt like I was missing out of my girls life. It was as if I was a guest in my own home and I despised life on the road. I now had employees to manage and new responsibilities to juggle.
Don't misunderstand, I like my new job but these were changes I wasn't 100% prepared for.
I knew relocating was the next step but where exactly would we land? It wasn't just about me. I had to find something that would suit all 3 of us. Clearly this was going to be a huge impact on our future.
After many weeks of searching and visiting school districts, we found something that was a great fit for my high school student and things fell into place with my college student making the quick decision to stay with us and apply to a different college. We were all moving together and things would be perfect right? Not even close.
Around Labor Day, my high school student developed a case of homesickness. She dearly missed her friends and family back home. Thank goodness for my mom stepping in with words of wisdom along with my college student who really gained a new level of maturity. We had this minor detour taken care of and could now resume our perfect life in a new town. Right? Not even close.
Somewhere amidst what I considered a new beginning for us, I lost myself.
All of the newness had taken a toll on me. Mentally and physically. My comfort zone had been breached.
Maybe it was a coincidence or simply years of built up stress that have led to my digestive tract issues but they are here as a daily reminder that stress can make you sick.
After a few doctors appointments, scans and blood tests the doctor determined there wasn't anything wrong with my digestive tract. I beg to differ because I feel it on a daily basis. On to a second opinion in the months ahead.
Then there was the mammogram and the call to repeat my mammogram. What? My issues were with my digestive tract not my breasts. The only thing I could think of were my girls. I was overthinking but I was preparing for the worst.
Being alone in that room awaiting the results of my second mammogram have hands down been the longest and scariest hour of my life. When the nurse returned and started speaking I felt my stomach drop.
There I was all alone and scared.
Then she said the words that made emotions burst like a volcano. "Your mammogram was fine". After giving me time to collect myself, I began texting and calling the people that I trusted my secret with and who I knew had been praying for me.
All of the emotions I have tucked away over the years have began to bubble to the surface for me to confront. The hurt, the loneliness, the grief. It never left.
This has by far been the toughest holiday season since my dad passed away several years ago. You see he was the one who always made sure I was taken care of without hovering over me. He was always there to give simple, to the point advice and skipped the lecture part. Oh how I wish he was here to give me advice and help me make educated choices.
There has been too much newness and it came at me all at once. A new job, new responsibilities, new town, new friends, new doctors, new pharmacy, new cleaners, new church. As exciting as it sounds, for me it has been overwhelming.
Some days I come home and I change clothes and go straight to bed. I am mentally exhausted. I am physically exhausted from being mentally exhausted. I think. I overthink. I yearn for someone to tell me that everything will be okay.
I was once the girl that had a spark. That wasn't afraid of a challenge. The girl that knew most everyone in town. That took the charge when leading. I never felt like I didn't belong.
Where did she go? Somewhere this year I lost her.
That girl has lost her spark. She no longer wants a challenge. She knows virtually no one in her new town. She is scared to be the leader. She feels like she is completely alone. She feels as if she doesn't know where she belongs.
These are the things no one tells you when you start over. Prepare yourself. I wasn't prepared for so many losses
I have probably shed more tears in private this year than ever before. This year has challenged me in ways that I never imagined. This is my own purgatory. I don't belong in my old life but I haven't found where I fit into my new life.
So what happens next?
The girl that has found herself lost in 2017 will find herself again in 2018, I am declaring I wlll find my spark again. I will again feel the confidence on the inside that I try to project on the outside.
Why am I sharing this? It is not because I want pity or reassurance. I am sharing this so that others know that just because someone looks like they have it together on the outside does not mean that they are not falling apart behind closed doors. You are not alone. Life is always changing. Some people just hide it better than others.
We are all unique but we are not alone.
So as this year comes to a close, don't be afraid to start over in 2018 but be prepared to face some losses. Don't think of it as something bad. Think of it as preparation for something better.
If you are feeling like you are lost in life, I pray that you find your way.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? Psalm 56: 3-4
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