Insecurities and Perseverance

 

I looked at the Merriam-Webster dictionary and found two words that perfectly define me:

 

 "insecure"

• not confident about yourself or your ability to do things well: nervous and uncomfortable
• not certain to continue or be successful for a long time

"perseverance"

• the quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult

All I could think at the moment was "WOW" this is me.

 

A few weeks ago, I found a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity: You've Been A Bad Friend To Us" and I have to admit that I downloaded it but have yet to begin the first chapter. I know that it is something I truly need to read but at the same time, I have become comfortable with my insecurities.

Does it even make sense that I want to abandon them yet cling to them?

This is where I need to persevere. This is the moment where I read the book and become uncomfortable in the refining process.

 

This brings back recent memories over spiritual characteristics. My quality without a doubt was perseverance. The majority of my adult life I have found myself digging myself out of a pit and continuing down a path.

 

This is a path that is filled with insecurities. What if I am not enough?

 

I am the first person to try to be positive even though my subconscious is creating doubts every step of the way. I can encourage others all day long until I'm exhausted but I fail to encourage myself.

 

A few days ago I was introduced to a woman who I immediately made my new lifelong friend. Over the course of 3 days and a few private moments of discussion, we found the reason why we were there. It was to form that connection with other women who share similar stories.

 

As we sat for 5 minutes alone in a candlelight filled chapel, I spilled part of my private story to her. She shook her head because she too had traveled a similar path. It was the next day that I was given the story of perseverance that I claimed as my spiritual definition that I can most relate to.

 

My new friend told me about the darkness that comes to steal our joy and I believe her. My darkness is insecurity.  

 

Each and every time I should be overflowing with joy, I find something to be insecure about. It's time that I rid myself of what I have clung to over the years and purge the dark insecurities.

 

This morning, one of my daily devotions reminded me of the very thing I am insecure about...the future. It was one of my favorite verses that I used last year in my testimony from Jeremiah 29:11:

 

  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

I know that others share similar feelings regarding the future. If we just could have a glimpse of the future. If God could just show us a portrait of the questions that wreck our thoughts. Thoughts of future employment, homes, children, friends, relationships or finances that distract from the present.

 

The answer is no. It's not our time, it's His. The future is in His hands. It's His gift of the present that we need to sit back and enjoy like a chilled glass of Texas Well Water.

 

As I just wrapped up a call with my new friend, she reminded me to keep pressing forward and forget the past. So, it's time for me to read the first chapter and say "So Long Insecurity".

 

Friends, persevere and go run your race. Enjoy the sunshine and be a light in the darkness.

 

 

There Are Privileges Not Burdens

This has been one of those weeks. I have dreaded attending a retreat that is intended on strengthening my spiritual life. For the past two weeks, I have struggled to be enthusiastic about something I have prayed about for years. Every day I am thinking of ways to jump off this ship that is about to leave the port.

There are days where I would like nothing better than to throw my phone in the ocean, sit in a beach chair and stay there until someone finds me. I would hope that I could at least hide for 24 hours.

Now I can't fathom totally unplugging for 3 days. Why?

One day I was letting frustration get the best of me. It was spoiling my mood. I couldn't concentrate and at a time I should be very happy and thankful. I was feeling stressed, worried and anxious.

Why do I allow this to happen?

The first reason that comes to mind is that I am human. I am imperfect and flawed.

Sometimes I fail to direct my thoughts to Christ who gives me strength and never leaves me. I rely on my own strength and try to control circumstances rather than laying my burdens down.

How easy it is to forget that I am not alone.

After a night of restless sleep, I did wake up the next morning feeling somewhat better about attending. I did feel a sense of renewal but there was still something missing.

I usually have music playing when I get dressed in the morning and the first song in the shuffle que was by Hillsong United "Touch The Sky". I was reminded of something I was not willing to fully surrender which was the burdens that were stealing my peace.

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Like a thump on my stubborn forehead, I was reminded that my life is filled with privileges.

I get to be a mom to two girls that are complicated and beautiful inside and out.

I get to go to work every day with some really wonderful people.

I get to volunteer my time and meet people that I wouldn't ordinarily cross paths with.

I get to be a daughter to the kindest woman I have ever met even if we don't always see eye to eye.

I get to make my own choices each and every day.

I get to go to church on Sunday and cry because our pastor will be leaving us soon.

I get to choose my circle of friends to share memories with even when we agree to disagree.

I get to experience failures because I don't give up easily.

I get to turn off my phone and be still for 3 days.

Okay, I get the message. It's not about my burdens, it's about looking at them as privileges.

Time to pack up this pity party and board the ship.

It's about knowing that in this walk I will never be alone. I am so very thankful that I am reminded of His love.

Psalm 56:11-13
I trust in God; I won’t be afraid. What can anyone do to me? I will fulfill my promises to you, God. I will present thanksgiving offerings to you because you have saved my life from death, saved my feet from stumbling so that I can walk before God in the light of life.