Prayers for My Daughters

I have written this post in my head many times but never typed it. As I sat up the majority of the night, it came time to begin this post.

Through all of my infertility and miscarriages, I prayed that I would be a mother. I have been given that precious gift twice, and I often don't take the time to thank God for what he has given to me.

I always knew I was destined to be the mom of a girl. I'm just that type of person and I can relate to them. Little did I know what a difficult task this was going to be. Just as I became a secure adult, I would again dive in to the world of an uncertain teenager. I will state again, my girls did not come with an owners manual so I am doing the best I can!

My oldest we refer to as the "spirited" one. For those who know her, you know exactly what I am talking about. Now that she is in high school, I am begining to change her discription to "passionate spirit". She is so full of life and wants to believe that everyone has the best, most honest intentions. With that in mind, the choices she has made have not always been great but I do my best to let her be responsible for her choices and try to mentor her and guide her along the path.

It does not always work out for the best. In her short life of experiences with boys, she has suffered extreme heartbreak as much as happiness. How do I get her to believe that it will not always be this way? Studies show that if you recieve 20 compliments and 1 hurtful statement, you will remember the hurtful statement before you remember the 20 compliments. Am I guilty of this way of thinking? Absolutely, however, I am a work in progress and those thoughts are diminishing daily.

For a mother, it is so hard to let them hurt and not be able to fix them. There have been times when I exercise every ounce of self control I can get. How will she know that not all boys/men will lie to her, cheat on her, belittle her in front of a crowd, threaten her with bodily injury or spread untrue hurtful gossip about her? How will she be happy when that one boy/man enters her life that will be honest with her, love her beyond measure and treat her like a queen and not have her second guess his intentions? How will she know that she can accept love without conditions or limits?

As I sat up for hours last night listening to sobs come from her room, after the quiet came in the middle of the night, I found myself quietly getting into her bed just to listen to her breathe. I did this night after night when she was a baby. I was so scared that something would happen to her that I just needed to hear her sleeping, soothing breath. Waves of emotion filled me. This baby was now a teenager and her breathing was now different.

I began to pour out my emotion into this post. I know other mothers have come before me and others will come after me, and as I have said time and time again, my purpose for beginning this blog was to heal my own hurt and help someone else in the process.

Here are my prayers for my daughters:

I pray my daughters will recognize her own feelings and be compassionate towards the feelings of others.

I pray that they will be kind and compassionate but use their voice when needed. Don't be afraid to speak up when they are being treated unfairly.

I pray that they will form their own opinions of the world and life and not rely on the opinions of others.

I pray that they know that they are of worth. They are valued and they should be treated that way.

I pray that some day they find a man that will love and value them. That they take the time to know their needs, emotions and will love them unconditionally.

I pray they never lose their own self respect. If they don't respect themselves, it's difficult to expect respect from others.

I pray that they remain loyal to family and friends. That they make new friends in life but still remember the old ones. Family & friends are the one thing that you will need in the darkest days. Some will stay and some will fade.

I pray that one day, if they choose to have children of their own, they will know what the purest of love is. Then and only then do you know that all of the things that I did, it came from love.

I pray that they will always remember that nothing they do could be bad enough to be unforgiven. There may be disappointments but they will always have my love.

I pray that they will know that I can be their accountability partner, mentor and biggest fan. They can confide anything in me and I will give them my honest opinion.

To all the mothers that read this, you may agree or disagree but in this day, in this moment, I am truly thankful for the blessings of two beautiful daughters that have my heart in their hands.

A Womans Strength...

December 6^th, 1996. Worst. Day. Ever. I was sitting in my OBGYN’s office waiting for what seemed like eternity. He was not going to deliver this baby since he had retired but he happened to be in the office on this Friday when I started spotting. He finally prepped me and the ultrasound for a look at what was supposed to be an 8 week old fetus. After several minutes, he got up and walked over and grabbed my hand. He is one of the sweetest doctors I have ever met and he just looked at me with these caring eyes and told me that there was no heartbeat. My eyes filled with tears but I didn’t burst into tears. Kim Leech does not break down in public!

He told me that he was calling over to the radiology department of the hospital to have a sonogram and we could walk over and they would be waiting for me. I remember that walk that seemed like 10 miles through the underground tunnel over to the main hospital building. Neither my husband nor I spoke one word to each other. Neither of us knew what to say and I think we were both afraid of crying. The hospital radiologist confirmed there was no heartbeat so we proceeded to walk back through the 10 mile tunnel to his office.

We scheduled a D&C for the following morning which was a Saturday. He normally doesn’t schedule things like that but he said he didn’t want me to wait until Monday and thought it would be easier on me if we did the procedure ASAP. What I wasn’t thinking of at the time was December 7^th is my husband’s birthday. As the doctor and his nurse stepped out of the room to get things scheduled, I finally spoke.

I told him that I was so sorry I had let him down and I didn’t know what to do. See, I felt like I always needed to please other people. 

After telling my parents and my husband calling his parents, we settled in for a really long night. I don’t recall sleeping much as I wasn’t really sure what was going to take place the following morning other than the fact that I would no longer be a mom. It was like the Olympics just stripped me of my medal. I felt like I was absolutely nothing. Worthless. I couldn’t even carry a baby, so what use was I to this earth?

The next morning we were at the hospital before 7 am and we were taken back to a surgical prep area. I had my IV, lovely backless gown, and hoo-ha prepped for the procedure. After they gave me the night, night juice I thought I had been asleep for at least 24 hours only to have the recovery nurse tell me it had only been 30 minutes since they put me under. Wow! That was quick.

There was a guy on the other side of the curtain and they were trying to wake him up. They kept saying “Steve, Steve, we need for you to wake up”. This went on for probably a couple of minutes when another nurse walked by and into the curtain where “Steve” was. As they were saying his name again she says, “His name isn’t Steve, it’s Greg”. Well, no wonder the guy kept sleeping!!!! Duh.

My mom spent the day with us and my dad checked in periodically. My dad was a very kind, gentle person. He looked very stoic and stern but he was far from that (unless it involved a 16 year old daughter that had broken curfew or sassed her mom one too many times). It wasn’t until a few years before his death that my mom said that they night we told them I had a miscarriage, he went into his shed (beer fridge was there) later that evening. She heard a peculiar noise later and when she went to investigate, he had literally broken down. He never spoke of that miscarriage or the one that followed.

I know my story isn’t the same as others that have been through infertility and miscarriage as we are all different women with different stories to tell. This is why it has bothered me when someone says “I know how you feel”. I’m sure they are trying to say something comforting but none of us knows how another person feels. Yes, we can sympathize but no one knows how or what I am feeling.

I really felt like this was my punishment for doing sinful things over the years. What I didn’t realize is that this very dark time would mold me into the person I am today. I wish everyday were filled with flowers and happiness and fairies (not really the fairies, they creep me out) but this is life and it’s real and some days it really sucks.

The night of my D&C, I had the most vivid dreamlike encounter. It was the most angelic face of a small child with curly blondish hair that got closer and closer to me. It was almost as if they were trying to kiss or hug me. I was very frightened at first but then it was like they backed away from me at lightning speed and I felt this sense of calm and peace come over me. To this day, I strongly believe this was its way of saying “Goodbye, I’ll be okay”. Yes, I was depressed and horrible for months, heck years after this but I never worried about that baby nor the other baby.

After all of these years, all of the pain, all of the happiness, I’m still here. I think women are given far deeper emotions to deal with as we are like the mighty Oak.  We stand tall, protect those under our branches and by God, we have strength. Maybe we are also like a Palm Tree. We bend under the force of hurricane winds but when those winds subside, we stand tall. That is why women are strong.

Easter 2008

Here’s to all my strong women that have weathered many storms and will continue to weather those storms!